medic next door

2010-05-18T06:34:00.000-07:00

THIS BLOG IS NO LONGER BEING USED! PLEASE GO TO http://medic-next-door.blogspot.com FOR MY NEW AND MORE ACTIVE BLOG! THANKS FOR VISITING! :D

2010-04-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

This will be the last post i ever will have in this blog.

Don't ask me why. There's so many reasons that i just can't be bothered to list out here.

sorry guys. No one is gonna weep that i close this blog down. cos NO ONE knows its here or it even exists. I shall stop being a suicide angel. I'm a new man now....

sorry.

2010-01-30T07:10:00.000-08:00

Listening to this emo song. Its on my blog.

Have you ever felt sad, but don't know why? Its the worst feeling to experience. Because if you don't know what makes you cry, then how do you stop crying? So many things can make you feel freakin depressed.

Sometimes i don't know which part of my life makes me down and out... or is it everything that has happened in my life that forces me down on my knees. Lately, its been alot of small worries linked together to form one whole worry.

Have i been so over passionate that i didn't practise moderation? That now i'm feeling the full effects of being too into something? And even worse, being too into 2 things instead of 1.

Valentines day is just around the corner. whoopee...

For me, its nothing to celebrate. I don't have to tell you what V'day means to me. But just know that it contains one of my memories from last year. A physical one at that too. It was a good day that time, but being reminded of that good day makes me feel god-awful bad.

Trust me. I've let go of these stuff already. What's left is just memories. And every potential chance to see those memories in real life again just disappears just as it seems like it would come true.

This coming 7th febuary, i'll be singing my heart out for Buddhist Fellowship Youth's Friendship day celebration (supposed to be V'day by right...). Hope it gives me some kind of release.

For now, my main interest is in singing. Sometimes i sing out aloud to myself. People say that i sing beautifully. But that's besides the point... sometimes i just feel like singing to someone to just to a small audience who appreciates vocal talent.

Wish i can just come home to some place or someone i can love/care about.

ONEREPUBLIC LYRICS - Mercy

2010-01-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

'Mercy' by One Republic

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
Where did you read my story?
Pulled from the papers
Desperate and hardened
seeking a momentary fix

All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
I wanted to love
Its all my fault now
A Tragedy I fear

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

Whoa Whoa Whoa
I feel you
Whoa Whoa Whoa

Before just the daylight
Come and I stand by
Waiting to catch the quickest plane
Fly me to nowhere
it's better than somewhere
That's where I've been and nothing's changed

All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
I wanted to love
Its all my fault now
A Tragedy for sure

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

Whoa
I feel you
Whoa

I'm so lost in you
A tragedy seemed to be over now
A tragedy it seemed to be

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

whoa
I feel you
Whoa
I feel you
Oh Whoa
I feel you
Oh Oh Oh"

2010-01-14T02:36:00.000-08:00

Choice of Courses
Exam Sitting(s): 2008
1 - T04 AVIATION MANAGEMENT & SERVICES (TEMASEK POLYTECHNIC)
2 - C52 AEROSPACE SYSTEMS AND MANAGEMENT (NANYANG POLYTECHNIC)
3 - S50 INTEGRATED EVENTS & PROJECT MANAGEMENT (SINGAPORE POLYTECHNIC)
4 - N40 LEISURE & BUSINESS FACILITIES MANAGEMENT (NGEE ANN POLYTECHNIC)
5 - C67 HOSPITALITY & TOURISM MANAGEMENT (NANYANG POLYTECHNIC)
6 - C93 MEDIA STUDIES & MANAGEMENT (NANYANG POLYTECHNIC)
7 - N87 ADVERTISING & PUBLIC RELATIONS (NGEE ANN POLYTECHNIC)
8 - T28 INTEGRATED FACILITY MANAGEMENT (TEMASEK POLYTECHNIC)
9 - S95 HOTEL & LEISURE FACILITIES MANAGEMENT (SINGAPORE POLYTECHNIC)

So these are the choices i applied for a couple of days ago for the JAE 2010. I'm so lucky to still have those 9 points L1R4 man... like my dad said:"You choose the instituition. Not the institution chooses you.

JC has been a mistake. A very long mistake which took a year to rectify. The A level system can go and kiss my ass goodbye! Most probably this choice i'm making will undo everything, make me a new man. :)

Of course i'll be at least 2 years older than everyone else, but what the heck. I'm better off in poly than JC i guess. Hope the girls over there like older, mature guys. xD (joking!)

But anyway, i did this without my parents knowing and probably i'll have to discuss this whole choices thing again before i go amend it. :/

Going for SRDC Task Force 5 meeting now. Gotta go. :)

2010-01-06T02:22:00.000-08:00

Dear everyone,

I don't know how long it has been, but time certainly robbed me of things I never knew you all had. The truth is that it stings me really hard, to know (yet never know) how much i've missed; when and how much did you all grow, how much more you all have learnt and matured, how many laughs and cries did i not see, how many new friends you all have made, how have you all been coping, and the every-hows that come along.

People come and go and although i'd hate to admit....

You all are sorely missed,

love,
The Medic

2010-01-03T03:26:00.001-08:00

I don't know how this is going to turn out. It just seems so hard to continue this friendship. She tells other people things that only close friends will talk about. REALLY good friends. I just found out the news from my friend.

The thought of it just boggles my mind. At the same time, it just frustrates me and makes me want to scream. Yeah it's that bad. So I really don't know what's happening now. I still feel attached to her because I guess I still hold a small place in my heart for her. After all that's happened, how the hell am I supposed to face her?

Being what she is now, I guess I shouldn't complain. Now she has this new emotion to overcome and deal with. I just wish I was a better person than I was in the past. Now there's someone I swore who looked like her during my VI retreat. It just makes me think of her. I don't know whether to be depressed or be glad at that fact.

I can just give up right now. But I just stop myself because he's there to push me and egg me on to not lose hope. He probably needs me to help him get her back up on her feet. What's in it for me? See her get up on her feet and continue how it was when we almost have stopped continuing to communicate with her?

But I don't know, I just feel the urge to help because I can't stand to see her, or anyone else for that matter, suffer like this. Then again, he's closer to her than I am. When can I and she ever be back to what we were before? This lovesick feeling is just getting on my nerves.

I do this for the sake of my morals. I do this for the sake of my principles as a person. I do this for the sake of compassion. I do this for the sake of making her happy.

You know what? Probably I'll just get the hell with it and just help her along as he sees fit. When she becomes happy and normal again, I'll just fade back into the background. I do this because she has a special place in my heart. After this, I'm letting of her. Period.

It's no use continuing. I'm just a guy. What difference can I make? I'm just helping along. Sometimes I wonder why I even go back to RCY in the first place. It's mindboggling. Probably I just go because of the temporary satisfaction and fun it gives me.

My purpose, commitment and dedication to RCY could be in question right now. See how things become all so complicated and tangles up? For me it's already a lot to handle psychologically. I don't know how girls do it. It's a wonder.

Back to the topic. I'm all over it now. This could probably be the last straw and that's it. If I ever continue, it's a wonder. I would probably be amazed or I would just get depressed and doing stuff like writing this stupid blog entry again and again and again.

I guess what I can do now is just wait and see what happens. I've made a lot of mistakes already, so probably I guess this is what I deserve. Whether this continues I don't know. Life is always unpredictable. I'm just a suicide angel.

Facebook | Your Notes

2010-01-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

Facebook Your Notes: "Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people and include me. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think.

Pick your artist:
Westlife

Are you male or female:
Tell me what makes a man

Describe yourself:
Fool again

How do you feel about yourself:
I have a dream

Describe where you currently live:
Us against the world

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Fly me to the moon

Your favorite form of transportation:
Flying without wings

Your best friend is:
Loneliness knows me by name

Your favorite color is:
When you're looking like that

What's the weather like:
Seasons in the sun

Favorite time of day:
Tonight

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
What do they know?

What is life to you:
Obvious

What is the best advice you have to give:
Open your heart

If you could change your name, what would it be:
Angel

Your favorite food is:
Thank you

Thought for the Day:
Heart without a home

How I would like to die:
Evergreen

My soul's present condition:
walk away

My motto:
Can't lose what you never had"

2009-12-31T21:35:00.000-08:00

Its the new year.

I'm officially 19 years old.

Damn... lao liao... :/

Last year has been a roller coaster ride for me and probably a few others.

Right now, i'm just wallowing in some certain worry, and anxiousness. Probably something i might or might not need to have worried about at all.

I'm starting afresh.

However, its still the same analogy: Its like resetting your computer to its factory settings. But there will always be applications that stay on your computer. Certain applications you don't want in the first place.

You get the idea?

If you did then good for you. If not then that's too bad...

I'll see you all at the VI retreat tomorrow.

Long time no post

2009-12-21T04:27:00.000-08:00

Wow...

its been a long long long time since i posted here. god....

Well, a brief update on what i've been doing for the hols.

I just came back from my Vietnam school trip on the 15th. Before that i went to attend my cousin's wedding in M'sia, thereby missing my BFYouth camp.

I have like about 100+ pictures of my trip in Vietnam, so expect me to blog about my 9 whole days of hell down there plus pictures to go with it. (:

I'll blog again soon... but know that i'm alright :D

"All fall down" By Onerepublic

Step out the door at it feels like rain,
that's the sound (that's the sound) on your window pane
Take to the streets but you can't ignore
That's the sound (that's the sound) you're waiting for

You feel that your wall starts crashing down
Whenever your wall starts crashing down
Whenever your wall starts crashing down
That's where you find me...

Yeah, god love your soul and your aching bones
Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below
Everyone's the same
My fingers to our toes
We just can't get it right
But we're on a road

If ever your wall starts crashing down,
Whenever your wall starts crashing down
Whenever your wall starts crashing down
That's where you find me

Yeah, lost till you found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down

Love till you hate
Jump till you break
Know that we all fall down

If ever your wall starts crashing down
Whenever your wall starts crashing down
Whenever your wall starts crashing down
That's where you find me

Yeah, lost till you found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down

Love till you hate
Jump till you break
Know that we all fall down

All fall down, we all fall down, all fall down, we all fall down, all fall down, all fall down

Lost till you found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down

Love till you hate
Jump till you break
Know that we all fall down

2009-11-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! (:

Long time no blog huh? well...its been only about a few days.

Recently i went to Changi airport with my BFY friends to see off another BFY memeber, Huey Yee, to Thailad to meet up with her parents over there. She's a fellow singer-in-training and will be gone for a month. So can't wait for her to come back together with everyone else from their hols for BFY december youth camp!

Sadly though, there's also another person in BFY who left a bit earlier and she's Minn hwei. I kinda like felt sad for her cos we sent off Huey yee when she's just leaving for a month when Minn hwei was leaving s'pore until next year. :/

Haiz... but its over now. Just have to wait till she comes back (:

I just came back yesterday from a sleepover at BFY over the weekend. Watched "The Last Samurai" and "UP" together with everyone. The shows were nice, especially the former. Furthermore i talked with my buddies at the rooftop until it was 4am in the morning before turning it for the night. Even before that some of us already went to the nearby indian shop to have some "teh si bing" and prata. xD

All in all it was a good time (:

Wish i could have stayed there longer though. I kinda like these kind of sleepovers and don't really like the regimented style of camps. :X I wish camps could be more free-and-easy.

Just to end off... i have been thinking about whether "nice guys finish last"

Is it true?

hmm....

2009-11-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

Hi guys! (:

My oral presentation is over! Yayness!

How it went? well it was fine xD

The other groups that presented before mine didn't go thru well, partly because they gave to much information until there was nothing easy for the assesors to answer. :/

In the end they were given all the really really chim questions. (They stunned there for about a minute or so after hearing the questions.... NOT GOOD!) So i kinda pitied them. :X Well its all over now! The only thing that's left it Insights and Reflections (I&R) and everything will be done by the end of this week!

This saturday BF's gonna have a movie sleepover! Gonna show all the inspirational movies like "Coach Carter" and "The longest yard" although i would prefer watching action movies like "Push" xD

I can't wait to get all my school activities over and done with so i can be really really free! I'm SO LOOKING FORWARD TO EVERYTHING! :D

Oh yeah... i was playing around in class with my friend's toy Domo (as shown below) and went around placing the Domo at cute angles and taking snapshots of it. So its gonna look like a "spot domo!" game. :D

Enjoy spotting domo! xD

"Save Me" - By Corrinne May

I burn, i drift, i fly

when you sing lullabies

I'm helpless, i'm yearning

I'm like putty on your hands

I laugh, i dream, i cry
When you take on a roller coaster ride
You see me through and through

You see just who i am
Just take my hand and....

Save me from this place

Heaven knows i'm falling

For you, my sweet embrace

Heaven knows

Heaven knows I've been waiting for you

I had a dream that i

was falling from the sky

At 90 miles an hour

i was bound to crash and die

But you came out of nowhere and rescued me

There must be some grace in the touch of your face

I'm so happy that i've found you

I'm no longer afraid

Oh cause you

Save me from this place

Heaven knows i'm falling

For you my sweet embrace

Heaven knows

Heaven knows i'm falling

Before i met you

life was slo-mo

So slo-mo

i thought i had figured it out

But you came and turned my whole world upside-down

Save me from this place

Heaven knows i'm falling

For you my sweet embrace

Heaven knows

Heaven knows i'm falling

(x2)

2009-11-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

Hi guys.

Sorry for not blogging much. Been busy preparing for my A level Project Work Oral presentation which is this monday. I've also been busy with my Vietnam trip, and tomorrow i'm gonna go to Bukit Timah Hill for another round of hiking. This time, with a 7kg pack instead of a 5kg pack fom last time.

The JC pace has slowed down since my Promo's ended. I used to be rushing for my project work for the past couple of weeks but now all i need to do is talk infront of a few teachers, stay back as audience till afternoon and that's it. (:

Life seems to go a little slower, and now i've got more time for my Red Cross stuff and also my Buddhist Fellowship Youth events too. I'm gonna be in charge for next year's BF Youth Valentine's day celebration! So i'm gonna need to settle the music performances first! I'm going to perform too. So the song playing now? yeah... that's what i'm thinking of singing. Brings back memories. :/

I'm in a mini-crisis now. No i'm not emoing... its just something that's bothering me for the past few days. For the past few days i've realised that since i stopped studying, i can't find anything i can hope, protect and fight for.

The feeling's so strange, yet familiar. Like there's some kind of missing link inside me. And the fact that its been raining for the past few days, it just makes everything all moodier.

Feels like walking in the rain...

"Walking in the rain" - By A1

Sitting by the window
Singing songs of love
Wishing you were here because the memory's not enough

Wear my mask in silence
Pretending i'm alright
If you could see then you would be here standing by myside

It may be hard to believe
but girl you're the only one i need
It may be hard along the way
Its this feeling i get when blue skies turn to grey

Feels like i'm walking in the rain
I find myself trying to wash away the pain
Cos i need you to give me some shelter
Cos i'm fading away
And baby, i'm walking in the rain

Every single hour
of every single day
I need to cry my eyes so dry, i cry my tears away

Can't help but remember
How you made me feel
You dressed my soul and made me whole
You made my life complete

It may be hard to believe
but girl you're the only one i need
it may be hard along the way
its this feeling i get when blue skies turn to grey

Feels like i'm walking in the rain
I find myself trying to wash away the pain
Cos i need you to give me some shelter
Cos i'm fading away
And baby, i'm walking in the rain

Of all we've said and done,
remains the memories of day when life was fun
And now that you are gone,
i sit alone to watch the setting of the sun

Feels like i'm walking in the rain
i find myself trying to wash away the pain
cos i need you to give me some shelter
cos i'm fading away
and baby i'm walking in the rain

I said baby... i'm walking in the rain...

2009-10-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

What a difference a day makes...

Today was JC1 commendation day. Officially the last day of school for everyone and a period of transistion from students in J1 going to J2. But it actually isn't really the last day. We still have to come back to school periodically for PW and next monday is my A level chinese exam.

There's just something out of place: I'm not going to J2.

like everyone whom i have told and those who have seen my blog, you guys should know by now that i'm gonna retain first and drop out later if necessary.

Sometimes i'm not sure if i should be feeling sucky or happy for not being able to promote. Today i was aware of all this, but i felt somewhat indifferent about everything. Damn... feels like commendation day to me is a day to congratulate myself for retaining and still giving me a chance to go poly. :/

Let me just sum up briefly my year long stint here in SRJC. I used to think that the people in JC are guys and gals who are study kings/queens. Now i know that they're actually just like you and me. Its just the system that requires and forces them to do so.

The people i've met so far, they've been the greatest bunch of JC lads i've met in my life. My whole perception of JC students have changed. SRJC isn't bad, it has a great student body and culture. Even the principal is great! He's charismatic, objective and damn knows how to do cartwheels.

I've learnt that life isn't as enjoyable as it can be. I still have to study the best as i can, even in poly. If i want to get my parents blessings, i have to show them i can study hard regardless of being in JC or poly.

Frankly, i've hoped that i can get a girl in JC. However time constraints just force me to NOT do that. For the year, i've learnt to recognise crushes and infatuations. And seriously, in the end i just find that i'd prefer to just be friends. It sucks... but i just gotta live with it. Probably i'm just a friendly, down the street, medic next door that everyone can be friends with. Nothing more.

When you're in JC, time flies too even if you're suffering and not having fun. Cos its always a rush rush rush lifestyle here in SRJC. Holidays are turned into study breaks and there doesn't seem to be any time to enjoy yourself in little pleasures. hell... i can't even do a 10 minute meditation after i wake up or before i sleep. >.<

I've always been attending BFYouth for as many sundays as i can. The group system is actually working and its more fun to be there now (: love my groupmates and i'll be joining them for the BFY december camp from 3 to 6 december before flying off to vietnam the next day.

My overseas trip group people (also from SRJC) they are the best mates i can ever meet. We're the most bonded, enthu and noisiest group out of the rest. probably because we never knew each other from the start and there were no cliques to stop us from communicating openly. I love my group (:

Well that's it for now. If i have more reflections i'll write them next post.

"What a difference a day made" - By Jamie Cullum

What a difference a day made
twenty four little hours
bought the sun and the flowers
where there used to be rain

my yesterday was blue, dear
today i'm a part of you, dear
My lonely night are through, dear
sinc you said you were mine

Oh, what a difference a day made
there's a rainbow before me
skies above can't be stormy
since that moment of bliss
that thrilling kiss

Its heaven when you find romance on you menu
What a difference a day made
and that difference is you...

The inconvenient truth...

2009-10-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

Today my parents came to school and talked to my Form teacher, co-form teacher and school counsellor. Talk about 6 party talks... :/

We finally reached a conclusion and a deal: I retain and take J1 for the next few months next year. See how my perfromance goes, and after my poly application has been confirmed, then think about it one last time before dropping out.

This way, i have more time to think over things and see if there's any inkling of hope that i'll stay in SRJC rather than leave the place.

I fought hard for myself so i can go to poly. In the end, this is the farthest i can reach. Its only a matter of time before i make my final decision...

Damn.... its really not easy to be me...

"Superman" - By Five for Fighting

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…
I’m more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me.

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…
but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed…
but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it’s not easy to be me.

Up, up and away…
away from me
Well it’s all right…
You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
inside of me ......
inside of me ...
yeah inside of me...
inside of me

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
I’m only a man looking for a dream
I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
It’s not easy...
It’s not easy to be... me...

2009-10-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

just gonna post something short...

I find that even after promo's are over, the apce doesn't change. Yet i seem to be staying in school for just 2 stupid subjects which might not even affect me in any way. The only reason why i'm staying through this shit is because if my conscience.

I can't possibly leave my PW mates to be fated to get a fail grade cos i left. And i already paid for my vietnam trip, so if i pull out, i won't get a refund :/

The only way i can close this chapter of my JC life is doing well for PW for the benefit of everyone but myself. Guess it'll be the only thing that i can achieve before leaving. Truthfully, SRJC has a great student body, student culture and charismatic principal. Its just the system that sucks. :/

"Realize" - By Colbie Caillat

Take time to realize
That your warmth is crashing down on in
Take time to realize that I am on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you
No, it's never gonna be that simple
No, I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now

Take time to realize, oh, oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize, this all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you
No, it's never gonna be that simple
No, I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other

But, it's not all the same, no, it's never the same
If you don't feel it to, if you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder

Just realize what I just realized
If you just realize what I just realized
Ooh, ooh
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now, yeah
Realize, realize, realize, realize, oh

2009-10-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

I feel like blogging today, yet i don't feel like blogging today.

Its one of those feelings where you just think you should do it but you just plain don't wanna do it. It sucks. Trust me, i know the feeling.

I brought that fat man (no offence) aka Koh jia ming to a buddhist talk tonight. Its about "overcoming fear and guilt". In no way am i saying this in a sarcastic tone, but i'm glad jia ming is another person that gets a taste of what buddhism really is like. (Rather than the traditional, wishy washy, joss-stick/paper burning buddhism of the old chinese culture.)

He recorded the whole talk and he's probably going to listen to it once more and write out a his own philosophical research paper on it like how he did with the "love" essay in my last post. Its a good thing really. i like his way of interpreting things. (:

29th october is coming. What's so special about the 29th? My overall year-end grades are being released and i know i'm going to get bad grades for this. Its a gut feeling, and i know it. I'm planning to have my parents come over on the 29th to meet my school counsellor (i've seen her for personal counselling a number of times this year) so that we can talk about what am i going to do after that.

And I've made a choice. I'm going to stick through with my choice. I've been always afraid to go against my parents wishes because i love and respect my parents. I know that they always been getting me to follow their instructions because they want the best for me.

I guess now its about time i take control of my life. This will be the 1st time that i do something that is going to have a major impact forever on how my life is run and it'll be the 1st time that i make a decision of my own free will. I'll have to get through to my parents and convince them (more like debate with them, especially with my dad) to see that my way is the way i want it to be cos its 'me'.

What am i going to do? I'm going to Temasek Polytechnic. Study Aviation management and services. People say its a waste of one year. I disagree with those ignorant idiots. I say that its a year of experience that was really worthwhile, cos i learnt more about myself and i also got a chance to go on a school trip overseas. Something which i always wanted in my entire life, and now for the 1st time i get to go on one.

In a way, i thank my parents for giving me this opportunity to go to SRJC. If i didn't, i would be busy studying my course right now and would never have the chance to meet the greatest JC lads i've ever met and gone on a enjoyable trip with them to Vietnam.

So i'm prepping myself up for the 29th. Hopefully, most of you who read this will wish me all the best because i think that i'm gonna need the best i can get to pull through this major phase of my life. Its not gonna be easy, and if (and i will) pull through this tough time, then i'll be able to become a full fledged adult with full responsibilities for my actions.

I'll see you all someplace else.

2009-10-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

All credit to this post goes to Koh Jia Ming. Many thanks to him for his very enlightening view on Love. :)

"Today, the fat man is going to talk about Love. And no, dearest readers, this isn't the typical rejected lover's bitter speech about the meaningless-ness of it all, with the tingle of how Love is just some chemical reaction and is a waste of sense and cents (millions of em.) Today's philosophical argument is on romantic Love.

No, today, the fat man is speaking deeper than the stereotype. So what is Love? Is it that abstract to the extent the grey area is all it consists of and nothing else matters? Is Love everything? Or nothing?

aime et perdu. People I've seen. people I've encountered. All who'd rather have loved once, and even if its a relationship that lasts a mere flicker of a flame, to them, its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But what does that actually mean? These days, where infatuation, the poison of the teenage mind, yet the beauty hanging the in balance, the sheer maturation it entails; is lovin' and crushin' on the same plateau.?

Another plateau (besides Jaclyn's amazingly flaaaaat face. ^^) to consider, is Plato. Yes yes, this good old man has expressed the possibility of a pure, pure pure love which is separate from progeny. Love beyond simple, animal 'responsibilities'. He lied, or he wasn't human. I'm sorry, but like economics, everything he described was ceteres paribus. But what, what we can do about this, is to be human. To feel. To experience Love as not a series of happiness, but appreciation. Embracing the truth for what it is: Love is something we can't touch, can't hear, its intangible. Its one of those things we can't describe.

[It's not about the fuzzy feeling. It's about giving, not receiving even when you know you might not get anything in return. Of course, its about caring for the person exceedingly.
- 2009. Tan, Rachel.]

Pheromones, the magnetic attraction, all the scholarly wipe, we see, the coldness of the edge of humanity. Love based on something is irrational as hormonal change? Love as part of growing up? Love as your coming of age? I know, Love cannot be weighed or judged, not in monetary value nor morality, but Love, pure as sunlight, is everything and nothing.

To the people who see love as two people together, as something that keeps us alive, shame on you. You have just become the solvent diluting something so pure. Because, because. Love is not an interaction, it is not a process. It is intangible. It is no feeling, it is a purpose. If we knew Love for what it was, then we've lived. And they're be nothing to live for anymore; the pursuit and cherish of it is what makes life life, rather than simply being breathing puppets.

To the people who know true Love, felt its presence enraging and intoxicating one's soul, for it is the purest happiness we are not prepared for, not any of us, you have lived.

So here's my thesis. feel free to challenge it, because this is no definition. (unless you we're completely not reading or completely daft, I've been saying Love is intangible the whole time.) Love is, not as simple as roses, chocolates, letters. contrary to popular belief, the thought does not count in Love, because Love does not exist. At all, but we must embrace its belief.

[I'm not sure, but I'm sure you'll recognize it when you see it. (Notice it's "when" not "if")
- 2009. Wong, Hazel.]

While I maintain my hardliner stance against all the fairy airy nonsense ala Disney; but Love, not the watered-down commercialized and media fantasized façade that stands in its absence now, for Love can only exist when we believe in it, deep inside our hearts minds and consciousness, for it is sole presence is like magic."

Don't let me go....

2009-10-08T03:15:00.000-07:00

I saw a couple today...

Both of them were under my house balcony. I was in the kitchen when i heard a squeal. So i went to the balcony and peeped below to see what was the commotion about.

And i saw the couple hugging, the girl in obvious delight. I overheard the guy asking the girl to be his girlfriend, and the girl accepted. They hugged, they kissed, but not on the lips though.

Truthfully i fought to tear my eyes and ears away from the scene, but i could not. I was just rooted there, listening to how happy they were until they left, hand in hand.

damn...

"Never say never" - By The Fray

There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile

Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
But together all the while

You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time, time, time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go[x2]

Picture, you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see
Under your command

I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
To steady your hand

You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time, time, time again
Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go[x2]

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again

Don't let me goDon't let me goDon't let me go[x4]

Reaching the end of the chapter

2009-10-01T03:05:00.000-07:00

ok let me start this new post on a light note...

Many thanks to my (apparently 3) readers. Million thanks for your support! I wouldn't be still updating without (the 3 of) you people still tagging me. >.<

Ok i know it sounds like i'm trying to send some "hidden message". (trust me.. i'm not) But i also want to send my thanks to the people who may not have tagged me, but still read my blog. yup (:

-------------------------------------------------------------

You may have noticed that my ipersonic personality test thingy has changed. I took the test again to see how i've changed. To my horror, i found that i DID change. :/ To save everyone the trouble of clicking on the link, i'll try to make a very brief summary.

I used to be a "Sensitive doer", a person who is "the most likeable and friendliest of all personality types"

Now i'm a "Individualistic doer" who "occasionally rubs someone up the wrong way with their direct and blunt manner."

I mean... gawd damn!!! >.<

I used to be a friendly outgoing person and now i've changed to become an individualistic SOB??? damn... that can't be right... maybe i did the test wrong. Then again, i did the test again and now i'm a "dreamy idealist" (an extreme form of idealist which i'm not going to explain)

Darn... looks like i can't trust in these stupid personality tests. But sometimes the descriptions can be quite accurate if you do it right. (:

darn.... my parents are coaxing me off the com. Hate it when they do that... my exams end this coming tuesday and then i'm free!!! :D

See you (:

2009-09-20T19:01:00.000-07:00

"Rendezvous with death" - By Alan Seeger

I have a rendezvous with death
at some disputed barricade

It may be he should take my hand
and lead me into his dark land
and close my eyes, and quench my breath

I hae a rendezvous with death
And i to my pledged word am true...

I shall not fail that rendezvous......

2009-09-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

My life seems so lifeless now.

I can't see any hope now except only after my promo's when i get my results. Only after that then i need to make a decision that will change my life.

My life sucks. really.

I seriously wished i got go back in time when i got my 'O' level results. When everything was still good. When things didn't go wrong.

So many things happened... i can't even talk about it cos its just too much for me to remember and say. The only thing i can do now is wait, do my best and start all over anew.

I look around and see things everyday... Things which could have been... Things which were or was.

My life is just at this status quo at the worst possible time of my life. I'm probably being ignored right here right now. Cos i bet no one... and i mean NO-ONE looks at my blog anymore. I'm not typing this out to attract attention... i'm presuming this to be a bloody fact.

No one even looks at this, i can probably call my blog officially a private one without even technically needing to do so.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. Right now, i can't do to change anything. Its only a matter of time before i press the "restart" button on my life. Its like resetting your PC to its original factory settings when you first bought it.

Only thing is... some settings in my life are already permanent...

I wish to spill everything out right here everytime i go online to blog. But i just can't... cos it'll compromise everything that i lived for... everything i'm fighting for... everything i want to protect dearly.

Cos losing them will be like a prisoner who has been tortured beyond physical or mental repair... a physical shell for a soul long gone.

Life is a war. I am a soldier. And war, they say... is hell...

"Mad World" by Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world

2009-08-26T05:47:00.000-07:00

Here i am again.

I can't believe i'm still here.

Studying in this crap of a school system.

I can't believe i'm still trying my best to get thru something which i don't want to go thru.

I'm suffering here... i'm having a identity crisis.

What am i??? A person living for myself? or a person living for others?

I guess putting feelings into words is always the hardest thing for me to do.

That's why sometimes you don't see me posting cos seriously... i can't put my intense feelings into words i can describe... so much for a person who scored 'A1' for 'O' level English.

I just wanna give up... 'A' levels is gonna kill me sooner later. And then i'm just gonna feel all awkward among my friends.

You know how it would feel to withdraw from JC? All the work done in one year all dissapears like that.

Then you just can't seem to mix with your same batch of people who are already 1 year ahead of you.

I just feel like dying. Sinking myself into my bed and just stay there for all eternity. banging my head against the wall. Cry my heart out. Scream for the whole world to hear. ravage my whole room till its rubble.

I can't believe i'm still fighting it....

"still fighting it" by Ben Folds

Good morning, son.

I am a birdWearing a brown polyester shirt

You want a coke?

Maybe some fries?

The roast beef combo`s only $9.95

-------------------------------------

It`s okay, you don`t have to pay

I`ve got all the change

-------------------------------------

Everybody knows

It hurts to grow up

And everybody does

It`s so weird to be back here

Let me tell you what

The years go on and

We`re still fighting it, we`re still fighting it

And you`re so much like me

I`m sorry

-------------------------------------

Good morning, son

In twenty years from now

Maybe we`ll both sit down and have a few beers

And I can tell you `bout today

And how I picked you up and everything changed

--------------------------------------

It was pain

Sunny days and rain

I knew you`d feel the same things

--------------------------------------

Everybody knows

It sucks to grow up

And everybody does

It`s so weird to be back here.

Let me tell you what

The years go on and

We`re still fighting it, we`re still fighting it

You`ll try and try and one day you`ll fly

Away from me

-----------------------------------------

Good morning, son

I am a bird

It was pain

Sunny days and rain

I knew you`d feel the same things

Everybody knows

it hurts to grow up

And everybody doe

sIt`s so weird to be back here.

Let me tell you what

The years go on and

We`re still fighting it, we`re still fighting it

Oh, we`re still fighting it, we`re still fighting it

And you`re so much like me

I`m sorry

2009-08-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

THE MEDIC'S CREED

I Sim Jia Xian, Promise to...

provide to the utmost limits of my capability the best possible care to those in need of my aid and assistance.

To this end I will aid all those who are needful, paying no heed to my own desires and wants; treating friend, foe and stranger alike, placing their needs above my own.

To no man will I cause or permit harm to befall, nor will I refuse aid to any who seek it.

I will willingly share my knowledge and skills with all those who seek it.

I seek neither reward nor honor for my efforts for the satisfaction of accomplishment is sufficient.

These obligations I willingly and freely take upon myself in the tradition of those that have come before me.

…These things I do so that others may live...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How to save a life" - By The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

-------------------------------------

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

And you begin to wonder why you came

-------------------------------------

Where did I go wrong,

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And would I have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

-------------------------------------

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

-------------------------------------

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And I pray to God he hears you

-------------------------------------

Where did I go wrong,

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And would I have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

-------------------------------------

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

-------------------------------------

He will do one of two things

You will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

-------------------------------------

Where did I go wrong,

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And would I have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

2009-08-17T05:27:00.000-07:00

When i posted my "last" message here, it was a final goodbye to all my readers.

But something just told me to stop. To continue... I'm not sure if it was hope... hope that continuing to post here would help release my emotions in anyway possible...

Or whether it was laziness... the laziness to maybe even think of creating a new blog and just let myself use this one for the time being...

Whatever the case... i've just made a decision for myself and that is to turn around and let others continue to see my blog and how my life will unfold further...

So my dear readers (or reader... whatever... -_-) good news... i'm going to continue recording my life here in this blog. Sincere apologies if i don't update. JC life really really sucks to the point of catastrophe.

Many thanks to everyone for your support

2009-07-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

General paper - E
Physics - S
Maths, chemistry, economics, chinese - U

well... that sums it all up. Out of 90 points i get 10 points. (5 points from GP, 5 points from physics)

i need 35 to get promoted to J2. Damn, that's not good. I've only got 3 months left to chiong all the topics for all subjects and master them. Life's getting tougher by the minute and its really hard how things rush so fast.

Please....life... i beg of you! please slow down! i can't keep up! :(

"Slow down" by Corrinne May

16 hour workday just to provide
Everything for his little tyke
No time to sing a lullaby
or give him a piggyback ride

TV, babysitters, toys are a bribe
as he speeds out the doorway
and the car leaves the driveway

The boy runs after his father
but his steps are too small
He stretches out his hands to reach him
as he tumbles and falls.

Slow down,I can’t keep up with you
You’re getting a little too quick
for me to follow
Slow down,you’re getting away from me
and I don’t know how to slow you down

60 years together weathering the times
The good, the bad, the sweetest sighs
Watching children of their children smile
as they did when they walked down the aisle

Walking canes and wheelchairs slowly wind
Twirling the years, curling their faces
But now he’s stumbling faster
towards that finish line
She stretches out her hands to reach him
as he closes his eyes

Slow down,I can’t keep up with you
You’re getting a little too quick
for me to follow
Slow down,you’re getting away from me
and I don’t know how to slow you down

and I don’t know how to slow you down
and I don’t know how to slow you down

Slow down,I can’t keep up with you
You’re getting a little too quick
for me to follow
Slow down,you’re getting away from me
and I don’t know how to slow you down...

SCHOOL!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-28T07:31:00.000-07:00

Haiz... school's coming back

Undone homework and busy schedules are gonna haunt me to no end. Promo's are going to weigh down on me...

Maths its going fine...hopefully with the tuition i have now
Physics is well taken care of by tuition too
chemistry is going to kill me...
Econs will depend on my common sense and how well i will study
Chinese is going to haunt me for the rest of my 2 years here
GP will always be my most confident subject (Although compre is now starting to be a pain the ass...)
PW is just a stupid extra peice of weight that does no shit at all! BAN PROJECT WORK!
CCA is also going to be a killer pain in the neck... I'm going to be chased for the rest of my JC years for "lack of attendance"

Well guess that's a summary of my pitiful life. I'm gonna go pack my bag and just lie on my bed to await the incoming onslaught of school... :(

All about love...

2009-06-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

Dr. Wong Yinn Ong

21st June 2009 (Sunday)

Falling in love

Question: What is the most potent force that attracts a man?

Answer: A woman! (Vice versa works the same way too.)

Love is kinda scientific really. At the back of our brain is the brain stem. This brain stam is actually the part of the brain that controls our most fundamental feelings and actions! (E.g Eating when hungry, sleeping when tired etc etc...)

The other subsequent 2 parts of brain deal with our more complex feelings like regret and conscience. But our neurons actually go through the Brain stem before anything else! So our first feeling is always the fundamental ones before our thinking starts to kick in. (:

Conclusion: We are FEELING creatures that THINK! (not the other way round... :P)

So Why? Why? Why? Why do we have these feelings of love,crush or lust towards another person?

Its because of hormones called Oxytocin. Its the chemicals released from our bodies when we go "High". And how Oxytocin in released varies from person to person.

Now we come to the question: Why do people "fall out of love" after some time?

You see people divorcing or breaking up but what causes the whole relationship to build up/crumble is something called 'Roleplaying'. Roleplaying is what all couples are experiencing from their partners. (e.g pulling the chair out for the girl to sit, not digging one's nose in front of boyfriend etc etc...)

So actually doing these things actually increases oxytocin levels for the oppostie sex. Now the problem comes AFTER marriage or AFTER couples have been with each other for a long time. This is where couples see the "other side" of their partners.

Its when roleplaying slips out of the relationship (the guy doesn't pull the chair out for the girl anymore or the girl starts digging her nose infront of her boyfriend) that couples start to experience "falling out" of love.

Therefore, the more roleplaying there is in a relationship, the harder it is to maintain it.

Lesson learnt: Always be yourself. Don't go all the way to make sure your date has a good impression of you. If what you're doing is NOT you, please for goodness sake don't do it if you can't maintain that for the rest of your life.

CAUTION: I'm not saying that if you usually dig your nose, you should do it. You know what i mean...

Here's a few tips on how fiance's and married couples should behave to each other. longstanding couples can do the same (:

Husband to wife:

Honour her
Do not disparage her
Be faithful
give due authority concerning matters of the household
Provide her with occasional adornments (give gifts occasionally to show her your love)

Wife to husband:

Properly organise work (Household chores etc...)
Be kind to servants (Maids)
Be faithful
protect the finances of the family
Be skillful and diligent in work

All about love

2009-06-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

Why is love so hard to find?

i'm not being emo!!! i'm really just asking (:

Its something worth to think about. But really...i think it depends on the person.

This sunday i have a buddhist fellowship youth talk by this Dr Wong Yinn Ong about "Falling in love" xD

So i'll go there...write some notes... and i'll write my views down here.

*Gazes out the window* hmm... why is love so hard to find?

"Why is love so hard to find?" By Jesse Mccartney

Everyday I look around
Seems that no one's ever satisfied
Could it be, that underneath, We've all got something to hide?

From the moment we arrive
We want to fill the space inside
We all need to feel alive

If it's love that keeps us breathin'
Gives us something to believe in
Is it fear that makes us blind?
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

If we hear so much about it
And we can't go on without it
Let the mystery unwind
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

All I know is when you find it
Even earth can feel like you're in heaven

Tell me now, unlock the secret
Help us all to find the hidden treasure

From the moment we arrive
We want to fill the space inside
We all need to feel alive

If it's love that keeps us breathin'
Gives us something to believe in
Is it fear that makes us blind?
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

If we hear so much about it
And we can't go on without it
Let the mystery unwind
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

Why is love so hard to find
Tell Me Why is love so hard to find
Why is love so hard to find (baby)
Tell Me Why is love so hard to find

Don't you know I'm never gonna give up 'til I find the love?
I'll be searchin' the whole world over
To find my love...

Why is love so hard to find (why)

If it's love that keeps us breathin'
Gives us something to believe in
Is it fear that makes us blind?
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

If we hear so much about it
And we can't go on without it
Let the mystery unwind
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

If it's love that keeps us breathin'
Gives us something to believe in
Is it fear that makes us blind?
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

If we hear so much about it
And we can't go on without it
Let the mystery unwind
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

Why is it so hard...

2009-06-12T03:07:00.000-07:00

Hi my dear readers...

I'm back from my Vacation from Bali, but i have singing lessons so i have to keep this short.

Furthermore, i'll have to leave tomorrow morning to attend my cousin's wedding in M'sia.

million apologies to my readers (or what's left of them) for my somewhat "emo" post. But really.... i had to release some pent up emotions in my head. like i said, its like "opening a coke bottle after it has been shaken".

So far, Bali has been a great, sunny, hot and nice. alot of shops hanging the word "Sale" just to bring in the customers.

I would love to add in pics to show you all but i just don't have the time. sorry guys...

I got all the gases out from my coke bottle so i guess i'm feeling fine (:

Wish a first aider could not just learn how to treat others but also treat himself.

Would love to gain the skill on bandaging your own heart.

This life...

2009-06-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stopped and wonder?

just stop and think about nothing. just being aware of every little thing around you....

Sometimes i see things.... and i remember.... but i always shove them from my mind's sight.

Why does "stuff happen"? Karma... i guess...

There are times when life just seems dull and black...

I watch shows.... different kinds of shows... haha.... funny how we humans can create things which opens up the deepest secrets and desires of every person.

.......things which are near impossible to happen...

Damn how these things just make me wish i was those people... but life's like that isn't it?

To be frank... all i want is one....single...thing....in my life....

One thing.....that can give me inspiration for the rest of my soul.....

I know i shouldn't be talking about this... people say it only makes you feel down...

but its good to release these emotions once in a while.... its like slowly opening up a shaken coke bottle... letting the gases out before you drink it...

Tonight.... just let me.... just once.......

"Tonight i wanna cry..." by Keith Urban

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry........

little children and singing... what's next?

2009-05-25T08:57:00.001-07:00

Oh joy!

The things that make you feel happy and mad at the same time. Linkamania really gave me and expereince about how to handle children... much to my dismay however...

have you ever thought of children knowing what "racist" is at the age of 12 but not knowing that they are actually cheering "We love crap!!!" during the whole time?

i'm talking about jamie and meizi's group that was named crab.

yeah... you get the picture.....

Jamie & Meizi : Crab (Crap) !
Links : We are Crab (Crap) ! =D

At least mine was

Ben & Jia Xian: Lobster !!
Links : Lobster ! =D

George and Yuen Meng actually had Tuna Fish..Haha..But Tuna fish don't sound impressive enough..So the committee changed it to Sword Fish ~_~

If you were there you would know what i mean... but it seriously was funny and no offence. i just simply, innocently found it hilarious. xD

And knowing that children are so tech-savvy... i'd never thought they would use their handphones to film me doing cheers for them. if they put those videos of me on you tube... god i'll have their heads... hope they join Red Cross when they get into secondary school... hehe

I really pitied calvin as stationmaster... he had to manage a box of styrofoam balls (those tiny ones... not big-ball shaped) and had one of those boxes overturned and spilt the whole lot onto the ground.

In about less than an hour... styrofoam balls could be found in every nook and cranny at the campsite...

The verdict: STYROFOAM BALLS ARE BANNED!

Other than that... life seems kinda boring...

on the other hand... i saw these guys on TV showing detergents that can get out bloodstains... i mean c'mon! you have a shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now!

okay lets bring this all back to reality... i just signed up for Intune music school's Pop vocal singing programme! yayness!!!

I signed up cos i was bored and also i think it would be better to improve my vocal skills... maybe i can even perform live! but that remains to be seen. (:

For now, i just want to improve my voice and continue form there.

i have to go now..... until then my laddies!

2009-05-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i just feel so dumb!!! But i'm happy realising this!

Everytime i feel so stressed out at the end of a damned week... and only now then i realise that whenever i go to Buddhist Fellowship every Saturday, i'm filled with inspiration and hope that can last me for the week.

Words cannot describe the effect BF youth always has on me. I think i've said it a million times... and i'll say it again:

BF will always be the place that i become my REAL self.

Only BF youth can make me play, joke, fool around, go high, care and show off the best in me where other places only make me conserved and withdrawn.

I'm proud to declare that i'm a Buddhist Fellowship Youth! :D

2009-05-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hi guys...

Mid year exams are coming.... dammit...

Some things which i thought could be kept at status quo (at least), or so i thought..., have resurfaced and sometimes i feel that the measures i take to deal with the situations seem to be more like i'm running away. The problem is that its the only way i can find out of my situation!

Frankly, though, i think this part of my life is the lowest i've been.... ever...

so many things seem to come into conflict... the only things i can do is to keep the status quo. My hands are too full to solve each problem, much less manage them well.

well... lets take a look at the factors which make this point the lowest point ever...

1. I lost my main inspiration to guide me through JC when i just started to get settled down

2. my working relationship with my mates has broken down because of one thing i did not do

3. JC life sucks like shit for me (well as far as i'm concerned...no offence to JC lovers out there)

4. my parents treat me like a hyperbolar (a graph which always seems to curve to a certain value but never hitting it). Everytime i try to do my best, i always can't seem to gain full acceptance of who i am from my parents... damn psychologically draining...

5. Class has no inspiration for me as well... i'm not gonna say in what way...

6. Red cross is my life...i live for Red Cross... i would put my life on the line for it. My parents are restricting me from going to RCY activities too much. I'm going crazy at the thought that i only can go for a minimal amount of HQ events. Can't wait to see anyone from VIP 1009... Going to red cross stuff is my way of destressing from all the studying...

I'm gonna take up some pop vocal singing courses soon during the june hols... maybe it can open up another opportunity for me to destress...

i'll update soon... maybe its over...

"It's over" - by Jesse McCartney

We've run out of words
we've run out of time
We've run out of reasons really why we together
We both know it's over baby bottom line
It's best we don't even talk at all

Don't call me even if I should cross your mind
Hard enough I don't need to hear your voice on my messages
Let's just call it quits it's probably better
So if I'm not returning your calls it's 'cause

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone but baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryin to erase you from my mind

'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin'
wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

I still wake up every morning quarter to ten
I still eat my cereal right at the kitchen table
I can't even remember how long it's been
No trouble stayin' occupied

Oh I ask about you whenever I come around
I do what I can not to put my business in the streets
Last thing I need's another episode
Keep conversation short and sweet because

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryin to erase you from my mind

'Cause baby it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

You know that it's over when the burnin'
And the yearnin' inside your heart ain't there anymore
And you know that you're through when she don't do to you
And move you like the way she moved ya before

And you wanna pull her close
But your heart has froze
You kiss her but her eyes don't close
Then she goes out of your heart forever
And it hurts you but you know that it's better

Girl you know it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryin to erase you from my mind

'Cause it's overI swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryin to erase you from my mind

'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over...

2009-05-08T05:50:00.000-07:00

Seriously... if looks can kill.... this tree on my blog would be burning and the man with the guitar would be hanging by the neck from the tree branch with only a skeleton and a burnt guitar!!!

I AM SO ****ING FRUSTRATED/FURIOUS!!!!!

2009-05-05T05:47:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.

Currently i'm still trying my best to study for my upcoming Mid-year Exams (so fast dammit....)

Submitted my Preliminary Ideas to the school so i just have to sit back and relax (study more like...) while other free and easy poly people are having the time of their lives. (no offence... probably because i still think JC life sucks...)

Went to visit a Japanese cemetery about a few days ago somewhere around the Kovan estate. It was historically a cemetery built by a Japanese brothel owner to bury the prostitutes, who were brought over from japan, when they passed on.

Quite interesting really... apparently japanese students on educational tours here would come to this cemetery as one of their destinations. While i was there the air seemed really really peaceful. i think i can just sit down in the middle of the cemetery and just meditate there all day. xD

Oh yeah, i've taken up meditating as an occasional hobby. :P it helps to cool down my mind and clears it up whenever i'm stressed out. (you can call it the disk defragmenter for the human brain...) i encourage people to try it out. :)

I'm also going to join up the upcoming Buddhist fellowship Youth camp! yayness! xD i'll be going there as "camp medic" so i think its going to be a real refresher for me to get away from the troubles of people and the world.

Anyone interested in this camp can notify me and i can tell you more about it. :D its from 29th to 31st May at harbourfront.

Just so you know its not some camp that's gonna try to psycho people to become buddhists... its a fun camp that just teaches the wisdom of the dharma to more youths. :)

There are still some problematic stuff that i have to think and sort out for now. So i'll post soon.

with metta

jia xian

2009-04-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

Haiz... someone once told me, "When life gives you lemon, make lemondade"

Whenever i feel that the world just seems to be a black and white movie screening, i can't help but be glad that there are those who would do their best to add colour to it.

Thanks :)

Sometimes i look around and see alot of things i probably wouldn't want to see. They just make me remember.

Sometimes it sucks to remember things...but it probably depends. Don't worry Jesslyn... i'm not going to let this blog rot away. Thanks for the encouragement Eugene. :)

2009-04-19T04:44:00.000-07:00

yoZ people. (:

Just forget about my previous post. its not supposed to stand for anything. xD Just thought i would post something like that this way. :P

Watched too much "Band of Brothers" last night perhaps? xP

Well i'm not trying to say that my life is getting sucky by the minute... lets just say that JC is making my life seem totally boring, totally miserable. I feel like i'm living a routine life: Wake up, eat, go to school, go home, eat, sleep.

But i'm doing my best to make my days seem more interesting.

Yesterday's BF youth session was kinda small. Very few people came (dammit... why is it always like this?) but the talk was good. It was about "Hormones and Buddhism".

After the talk, had a great time listening to the woes of my fellow BF mates who have/are in NS and all its inefficacies and chickenshit. xD Can't wait to go to NS and experience this "Chickenshit" for myself. :P

This song is dedicated to a friend of mine, I hope that she perseveres and gets through J1. Hope that her family won't stress her out too much. Jia you! :)

"Run to me" - By Nick Lachey
Over your head,
Trying not to drown.
Reaching for a breath,
Before it drags you down.

Caught in between,
All the pain you feel,
You lost control,
You're letting go,
But I never will.

I'm holding on for you,
I'm fighting for your life.
And when you're blinded by this jaded world,
I'll be your eyes.
Even if you fall,
I won't let you break.
When all the noise is telling you
To run away,
Run to me.

Day after day,
After all you seen,
Its alright if you feel like unraveling.

I'll be right here.
I'm pushing out the walls,
To find the place,
Where you can say,
Brave through it all.

I'm holding on for you,
I'm fighting for your life.
And when you're blinded by this jaded world,
I'll be your eyes.
Even if you fall,
I won't let you break.
When all the noise is telling you
To run away,
Run to me.

When I was lost,
Hanging on by a thread.
I knew I could run to you,
To find myself again.

I'm holding on for you,
I'm fighting for your life.
And when you're blinded by this jaded world,
I'll be your eyes.
And even when you fall,
I won't let you break.
When all the noise is telling you
To run away,
Run to me.

2009-04-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

Combat medic, 2nd Lieutenant Sim Jia Xian
Bronco Company
5th Battalion
1st Infantry Regiment
32nd Division
17th April 2009
After-Action Report: Routine patrol

Not much action today. Alot of enemy activity at the front lines from 0830 to 1230 hours. Did a routine reconnaissance patrol through the front lines and encountered some enemy positions. Took mortar rounds and machine gun fire and suffered 1 KIA: Pvt Noslen took a mortar round and shrapnel to the heart.

Pulled back to the line and reconnaissance group split to their foxholes. Running low on medical supplies: Plasma, sulfa powder, bandages and morphine. Men are reaching the breaking point. Cold, winter weather, sporadic artillery fire and widespread cases of trenchfoot and frostbite are rampant, but men continue to man their posts. Most refuse to pull out from the line.

Re-supplied via an airdrop from the 18th Air corps, but not enough essentials like blankets and winter clothing to go around. Men are still spread out too thin at the front. Made contact with the enemy at 1550 hours at the command post, most likely lost behind our lines and neutralised them.

The enemy seems to be massing at the point south of the forest. Expected attack at that point roughly around somewhere in the afternoon. I'm not sure how the men will last much longer under these conditions.

Bless us all.

2nd Lieutenant Sim Jia Xian, Commanding

2009-04-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. (:

I think most of you saw this commercial on TV.

When i watched it... i was so touched that i almost broke into tears, although it was funny at first.

Its so true... how little imperfections make things so beautiful. People should see more of this.

Just finding reasons why (:

2009-04-12T05:16:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. (:

My birthday on 9 April just passed. Million thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday and/or celebrated my birthday! :D

And... to celebrate my birthday and also my 70th post for this blog, i want to share with everyone the lessons i've learnt as a human being for the past 18 years of my life. (:

But before that... i'm going to tell you how i celebrated my birthday! :P

It was actually a really really simple family birthday celebration. Just my whole family with me in the small living room with a Black Forest chocolate cake and a birthday song. That's it! No presents! And i'm ever so grateful to just have a family that cares and loves me. I don't expect presents from anyone... just a simple "happy birthday!" is enough to make me high. xD

This is a pic of my black forest cake! so chocolatey!!! xD

This one is me in my newly-bought SRJC windbreaker and my twin sisters!

And this is me and my loving parents. :)

The next day on friday i went out to meet up with my Buddhist Fellowship friends. I thought we were just going to Perry's birthday, but when i got to City Hall i found out that they were celebrating everyone who was born in April! luckily i'm starting to go back to BF youth now... xD

Its good that things haven't changed much since i left BF youth for a while... yet i expected more to change. Well at least i now can still catch up with everyone else. (:

After the BF youth birthday celebration at the Esplanade rooftop, i got home at 12 midnight. :)

Now i shall share with you my lessons i've learnt from living as a human being for 18 years. I want to post this so that anyone who hasn't gone through what i've gone through don't need to go through it. :) And also so that i can connect with those who have gone through what i've gone through.

And here it goes...(in no specific order):

1. Let go of the past, don't worry about the future, live in the present.

Do not worry so much what had happened. Because what happened, happened and could not have happened in any other way. Since its already past, you can't do anything about it. So just let go.

People keep thinking about what would happen if they did this or that. They worry too much about the future and this keeps them from making rational decisions. Only think of the things you can do best to help the situation NOW. Do what you think is right and just wait and see what happens cos' you already did your best.

When you did all you can do, just let go of that and concentrate on other things.

When things don't go as smooth as you want them to be, just know that what happens has happened. Learn to let go because when you don't, it'll only bug you more and more as you think about it.

2. Don't think too much.

Things happen, so you just gotta learn to accept facts. Stand firm to the things you believe in and deal with the stuff that comes at you when they do. Thinking too much won't solve the problem until it comes to you. In the end, it may not be what you thought it was.

The term i learned is this: Anything is possible!

Why? because you just can't assume things. For example, when you call someone and they don't pick up, it may be for a variety of reasons that range from the totally innocent to the worst case scenario. But the best is not to fret and just don't think of why that person is angry at you or won't pick up your calls!

If you believe firmly in what you know is right then it will be your base that will never shaken whatever the situation because you deem it as what you know that is true.

3. Be compassionate. Forgive and forget.

Always be compassionate to everyone and everything around you. When people slap your cheek, face your other cheek for him to slap.

When people scold/insult/stab you in the back/don't talk to you/have a bad impression of you, please don't do an eye for an eye. Both parties getting hurt is worse than just one. Accept these insults (or whatever) and take it as advice. For example, if people call you an asshole, find out what makes others think you're an asshole and change.

Not everyone can change for you. Sometimes you have to change yourself too. Of course not so much to the extent that you don't become yourself anymore! Just little changes to your personality to make you a better person. :)

Help when people need it. Be a friend to everyone. if people treat you like shit even after everything you've done for them, take heart that at least you made someone's life better. The world seems a whole lot nicer that way. :D

4. Live high, live mighty, live righteously.

You are a human being. Live confidently and with your head held high! Don't be crushed by setbacks because what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Live things the right way and always do things which help others around you, even if it doens't help yourself in the process.

I shall end here! Hope everyone learns from my 4 lessons on life! Wishing everyone a great life! :D

"Live High" - By Jason Mraz

I try to picture a girl

Through a looking glass

See her as a carbon atom

See her eyes and stare back at them

See that girl

As her own new world

Though a home is on the surface, she is still a universe

Glory God, oh God is peeking through the blinds

Are we all here standing naked

Taking guesses at the actual date and time

Oh my, justifying reasons why

Is an absolutely insane resolution to live by

Live high

Live mighty

Live righteously

Taking it easy

Live high

Live mighty

Live righteously

Try to picture the man

To always have an open hand

See him as a giving tree

See him as matter

Matter fact he's not a beast

No not the devil either

Always a good deed doer

And it's laughter that we're making after all

The call of the wild is still an ordination why

And the order of the primates

All our politics are too late

Oh my, the congregation in my mind

Is an assembly singing gratitude

In practice in their loving for you

Live high

Live mighty

Live righteously

Taking it easy,

Live high

Live mighty

Live righteously

Lets take it easy

And celebrate the malleable reality

Because nothing is ever as it seems

This life is but a dream

2009-04-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

Hi guys!

See this pic up here? Its me and my cute panda! xD

Got it as a present from my sis who went to China with her boyfriend to meet relatives. (:

PANDA IS SO CUUUUUTE!!! I love it! xD

Hahaz ok i'm being childish... anyways, i got shortlisted to go on a end-of-the-year school trip to Lao Cai, Vietnam!

The sucky thing is that i'm a Singapore PR (Permanent Resident) so i have to pay the full price... -.- Singaporeans get 50% subsidy from the School!!! WTF!!!!

Aiya... still have to appreciate that i'm going. its not everyday you get to go on school trips overseas. Anyway, they say that going on adventure trips like these will bond me and my school mates more closer.

I promise i'll get some pics back for you guys to see! Lao Cai will be a really fulfilling mountain-hiking trip! (not to mention cold...)

I'll be doing some community service to some vietnamese children there too. This will be like Linkamania! xD

Hmm... hope the trip won't coincide with UIP. I also want to join that! Imagine the number of hours you clock and experience you gain from that. It's all too valuable. (:

Well i gotta go now, tomorrow school is gonna end early at 12.30pm!:D yayness~!

Wishing a happy good friday to all. (:

2009-04-06T07:09:00.000-07:00

Hi guys i'm back to blog after a long time...

My life is getting freaking mundane around here.

Went for Footdrill mass accred on saturday. woke up at 5.40am cos of the ringing my phone made when jane smsed me. She said that we need not wear mufti to campsite before changing to full uniform. Actually wanted to wake up at 6am but thanks to jane i woke up even earlier. xD

Left the house at 6.45am but i didn't take the usual train all the way from Potong pasir. Took bus 133 from the bus stop opposite my house all the way straight to lavender mrt before taking the train from there to Kembangan. (Apparently things seem to be on the good side for me... all forms of transportation i took seem always to be on time. :P)

Took the bus 42 to campsite and saw Alvin sir and Jonathan Tan waiting outside the gates. Apparently the campsite caretakers were taking their time to open the gates. (I can't believe one of the caretaker's name is called Abu! xD at 1st i thought it was the hokkien term for "mother" HAHAZ! :P)

Anyways, the indian guy finally came at about 7.45am. We placed out bags at the Ops room and just slacked there while waiting for the rest.

When the rest came, we all went for the instructors briefing and changed to our Full uni's. My 1st task with Gin Yong was to "filter" the cadets according to which workshop they were supposed to attend. Then i attached myself (not literally of course!) to Alvin sir, then later to Derek sir.

Throughout the whole day it was kinda fun accreding the cadets and also getting a taste of commanding them. (i was kinda rusty in commanding... i "malu"ed myself by giving the wrong commands :P)

Then during Lunch Jonathan Tan ordered altogether enough macs worth of calories to make a whole village in africa not go hungry for a day! The whole ops room was filled with the aroma of macs! xD

Anyways i'm gonna fast forward from here and jump to after the whole thing was finished. I left 1st to go for Buddhist Fellowship which i haven't been going for a damn long time.

And it was this time that i finally realised how much i missed BF youth. The people there who always give me a sense of security, friendship and acceptance. The feeling that you are accepted no matter who you are or what you did. I finally refound that feeling that as long as i follow the path of the dhamma and abide by the teachings i would always be able to find my purpose in life.

That was what i felt. I miss attending BF youth and all its camps and stuff. Maybe i'll just paint myself yellow with a newfound smile. (:

"Yellow" by Coldplay

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow".

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all "Yellow",

I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know,
For you I'd bleed myself dry,
For you I'd bleed myself dry.

It's true,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for, Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

2009-04-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

"Extreme ways" by Moby

Extreme ways are back again
Extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again
Everything that I'd owned
I threw it out the windows, came along
Extreme ways I know move apart
The colors of my sea
Perfect color me

Extreme ways that help me
That help me out late at night
Extreme places I had gone
But never seen any light

Dirty basements, dirty noise
Dirty places coming through
Extreme worlds alone
Did you ever like it then

I would stand in line for this
There's always room in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby Then it fell apart, it fell apart (x4)
likwit always does, always does

Extreme songs that told me
They helped me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't get above the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never opened
Up to anything
That could get me along

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my mind
Too many things to cover me
Too much can make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many faces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe

I would stand in line for this
It's always good in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby Then it fell apart, it fell apart (x4)
Like it always does, always does

2009-04-02T06:29:00.001-07:00

"Where do you start when you have to start over?" - Quote from movie trailer 'Castaway'

2009-03-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

Hi people. (:

I've figured out that since i'll be busy with JC work and stuff, i won't be able to have time to write long-winded posts about my boring (i hope not...) life. xD

So Every friday i'll be posting a special segment where there'll be a word of the week, its definition and usage (is there is any...) and The Phrase of the month and maybe my comments about why i picked it.

I know its sunday now... but i'll just make this my 1st post anyway. (:

Word of the week: Chickenshit

Language: American (Army Slang)

Definition: Refers to behaviour from someone that makes others' life worse than it need be.

(chickenshit can be recognised instantly because it never has aything to do with completing a certain task, completing an objective etc etc.)

Usage: "Run 3 miles up and 3 miles down the hill?! This is chicken shit!!!"

Phrase of the month: Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

By: Thomas Dewar

2009-03-27T09:09:00.001-07:00

Hi guys! i'm back! (:

I've decided to leave my blog song as it is BECAUSE I"M SO ADDICTED TO THIS SONG!!! OMG!!!! xD

hahaz anyways... more pics! :D

Today After school i got my nice nice SGC!!! The blue file and the gold plated words.... so nice! so professional! :P

hahaz well everyone also got le... i sound like a child man.... xD

My SGC says that i'm a "caring person who is willing to lend a helping hand to his peers who require assistance." xD

Sometimes i just don't believe that what my teacher wrote about me were true. Am i really that good a person? :P

And and my mum just came back from her holiday with my sis and her boyfriend in Melbourne, Australia! she bought chocolates and clothes and lotsa lotsa stuff! My mum brought home a koala bear soft toy for me! SO CUTE!!!! :P

the best was a Aussie hat for my dad! and he says he's gonna bring it to his school if he needs to go to the hrydroponics garden to conduct lessons. Funny right my dad? xD

Apparently he's quite popular at school with the lower sec cos i think my dad treats the students with respect and also shows funny videos to his classes. But like the upper sec treat him like crap cos they just seem to want stuff that can help them in their 'O' levels... no interesting extras... sadded... my dad has to go through this. :(

Tomorrow is Qi Jun Sir's workshop! How come i never invited for actual de?! i wanna help out! :(

haiz... well hopefully i can show enough interest to be selected. (:

I need to go now! see you! :D

tag replies:

d-: hahaz next year we form another team and dance k? xD

JESSLYN!: its big!!! not small!!! if only you can come to my place and see it! it almost reaches my room ceiling! (:

2009-03-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

Yosh!!

I FINALLY HAVE PICS TO UPLOAD!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!

ok i'm being freaking lame... the pics you're about to see are going to be dull anyway...
After weeks of procrastinating and finally buying the right batteries for my camera... i can finally update my life with some illustrations. xD

Anyways... about a couple of weeks ago, my parents bought a set of furniture for my room! yayness~!!! :D

One large showcupboard (Its so big it really clears up alot of my mess in the room!!) and one cupboard to hang my clothes in (my cupboard looks so much neater now! :D) oh yeah... that's khairul's cap (on the cupboard door handle) which i borrowed from him for the Arts fest dance performance... :P

I saw the Arts fest video for Subcrew's dance performance!!! OMG it was so cool!! now i'm suffering from Dance withdrawal! D:

I wanna wanna wanna dance!!! xD hmm.... now still got leftover dance energy... but where to put them now?? wish i can enrol i some hiphop dance classes... :P

One song has captured me and i hope i can dance hip-hop to this tune! take care guys! i have school tomorrow!!! :D

"Closer" by Ne-yo

Turn the lights off in this place

And she shines just like a star

And I swear I know her face

I just don’t know who you are

Turn the music up in here

I still hear her loud and clear

Like she’s right there in my ear

Telling me that She wants to own me

To control me Come closer

Come closer

And I just can’t pull myself away

Under her spell I can't break

I just cant stop x4

And I just can’t bring myself away

But I don’t want to escape

I just cant stop x5

I can feel her on my skin

I can taste her on my tongue

She's the sweetest taste of sin

The more I get the more I want

She wants to own me

Come closer She says "come closer"

And I just can’t pull myself away

Under her spell I can't break

I just cant stop x4

And I just can’t bring myself away

But I don’t want to escape

I just cant stop x5

(Come closer) x 7

I just can’t stop nooooo x4

And I just can’t pull myself away

Under her spell I can't break

I just cant stop x4

And I just can’t bring myself away

But I don’t want to escape

I just cant stop x5

And I just can’t pull myself away

Under her spell I can't break

I just cant stop x5

come closer...

2009-03-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

Hi my dear readers.

Sorry i haven't been posting alot for the past few days. Nothing much except for the RCY arts fest that i helped out and participated in on saturday.

Woke up friggin early in the morning and left the house to catch bus 13 (unlucky number that is...) to RI.

Got there and met up with Jie qi, Hadi sir, Ye jing and Syafarinah ma'am (is that how her name is spelt?! XD ) who were practising their dance and also fellow dance member Khairul and also Si ling. :)

Waited around for the rest and saw calvin... CALVIN YOU KNOW HOW TO DANCE DAMMIT!!!! hahaz... well too bad he didn't join subcrew to dance... the more the merrier. xD

And and i saw a pic of Jie Qi in the 2008 RIRCY pic! The way RI takes photos of their CCA's are damn cool!!! We should have one for our batch 10/09! Oh yeah... later in the event i saw Geraldine and Linette from ULP 2006! Long time never see le! but not much contact... just "hi" and "bye" with a few sentences in between. :P

Was a usher for Arts fest and the ushers were given this purple piece of cloth to signify that we're ushers... and the marshals we're given yellow pieces of cloth. (until i have no idea what those pieces of cloth are for.....)

Anyways... first couple of hours were spent ushering the supporters to the hall to register, take a look at the static displays and get into the hall to watch the performances. After doing that for gruelling number of hours... went to eat lunch and then continued ushering for the cadets side...... BORING ARH!!!!!

Well can't really complain can i? :P

Amdis ma'am bought bubble tea for us!!! THANKS A MILLION AMDIS MA'AM!!! :D

Later had to meet up with subcrew for dance practice and also change into our dance clothes and put make-up on! thanks to Sarah Cheong and Sarah Tan for the make up. :)

We made our way to the Auditorium and rehearsed before going into the auditorium. Waited for the rest of the cadet performances to finish before it was out turn. Aparrently the St. Gabriels Secondary put up a drama where one of the characters was named george. Damn funny when "George" died.... HAHA!!! no offence or anything... it was just too damn funny. xD

When we got up to dance it was the most exhilirating feeling ever. (: although the lighting sucked (not my comment! :P) it was an achievement for me to just go up and dance. Hadi sir's group danced well too! congrats to them! :)

To cut everything short... (and not to bore my ever-fledgling number of readers...) We finished everything and packed up everything and i went home by bus. Met up with Jie Qi at the bus stop and bussed home together with jie qi.

argh... i have to go now... i'll post something sooner or later... i don't expect much people to visit this blog anyway

i'll up date soon... jana~!

2009-03-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hi guys

Well no pictures (again...) this time round.

Wish i was more disciplined to do stuff that i really want to do.

Nothing much happened today anyway. Woke up at 6.30am and went to school for H2 maths supplementary lectures... AND IT WAS A TOTAL WASTE OF MY TIME!! The freaking lecturer took about half the lesson trying to figure out how to work the projector and in the end we spent the rest of the lecture pushing buttons on our calculators and learning nothing new.

And a 3 hour break inbetween was a welcoming relief... although i didn't get to sleep inside the study. xD

That's why later i was dozing off during My H1 Chem lecture today. :P It was the plain old Redox i learnt during sec school. (only the more complicated cos i took the bloody old syllabus subjects..... :X)

Tomorrow i have Physics lecture and economics lecture/tutorial!!!! can't wait to get it all overwith and sleep man... Life is sorrowful for a Normal Academic slacker like me... :'(

Then i came home and went out with my dad to Funan the IT mall to shop around abit. The worst part of Funan is that the gaming demo kiosks are always hogged by these inconsiderate people... i mean HELLO!!! The sign says to just play around with the demo for maximum 15 minutes... not hogging it like its some LAN shop or anything!!

i wanted to try the Red Alert 3 they had set up! but this guy just kept playing and playing and i was like standing so freaking close to him, he just keeps playing like as if i'm not there! haiz.... such is the world...

Well i have to go soon... tomorrow morning my dad wants me to go jog with him. I better get some rest. I'll update real soon! (with pics i hope... :P)

"The Reason" by Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears

Thats why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you...

2009-03-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is dance... things happened recently... no matter how subtle they have been...

That's why i changed my blogskin... unfortunatley...

Million apologies to my readers...

"Vienna" by The Fray

The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
Is there really no way to reach me
Am I already gone?

So this is your maverick

This is Vienna...

2009-03-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

Hi guys!

Finally... At last i find some pics that i can upload... (Haha! i actually koped it from Gin Yong's blog :P)

And here are 2 group photos of our very own dance group, sub-crew!!! :D

Cool right? xD

Well sorry for this short post cos i need to do some research for General Paper and have to study for my Economics test tomorrow. :(

I'll update soon! jana~! :)

2009-03-09T04:59:00.000-07:00

Everyone's got this bottle inside of them. Different people have bottles of different sizes... so it can only contain so much depending on the person.

Ever had that bottle break? or overflow perhaps at least?

But before that happens... do you get the feeling that everything inside that bottle is being compressed? like you're forced to take every atom and fill every pico-metre of that bottle to the brim?

what about taking it to the next level... over the course of time more atoms are filled inside that bottle to the brink of explosion. Yet somehow, something about that bottle just stops it from imploding into smithereens.

Its like having a glass bottle that stretches as more liquid is filled inside of it.

Now... only a few more atoms added into this bottle before it explodes into fireworks... spilling everything in every direction and the glass shards blown, ricocheting off the walls and embedding itself in everything it hits...

Until all that is left is nothing but spillage and the remains of the glass bottle. Nothing to collect, nothing to pour out of.

Slowly opening up the cork and letting the overflow spill out gently could help... but the risk of the overflow widening into a waterfall is high...

How do you release this pent up liquid inside without having to risk hurting others around you?

But it is only a few atoms.... is it?

2009-03-09T04:52:00.000-07:00

Call me irresponsible....

Ok to the dirt with pics! i guess i can't promise stuff too easily like that. sorry folks... i guess i won't be spamming pics like last time for now. JC is really really stress for a N(A) guy.

2009-03-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

Ok... 1st post after i promised on the last one and i broke it already xD

No pics this time!

But anyway i saw a video of how ,us, subcrew danced. it was awesome! but i think there's a problem when i saw myself dance.... :P

I find that most of the time i keep hunching... and my neck seems to crane forward away from my body.... xD

I LOOK DAMN UGLY WHEN I DANCE!! OMG!!!

maybe i'm just thinking too much... but i think my neck craning forward and my hunchback is really a prob... must start sitting up straight and standing straight too!

hahaz i'm supposed to be doing my mini-project work and must finish the presentation by tomorrow! xD i am so not going to get enough sleep...

My paternal grandmother has come to visit!! Yayness~!!!

I'll update soon! bye guys! :D

2009-03-06T06:32:00.000-08:00

Hi guys! its late at night...

i know my blog is getting boring cos its not like last time when i used to spam pictures :P

its just that i'm busy with stuff and i forget to bring my camera! And i'm too lazy to use my phone camera! xD

I have to make it a habit to start bringing my camera during events :P Tonight was INTENSE dance practice!!! i think i practised the whole dance about more than 5 times tonight... TIRED ARR!!!!!!

Hahaz... i think its good to drown yourself in stuff and put your heart and soul into them. :) it takes all your troubles off your mind and makes you forget stuff with time if you do it hard enough.

Same goes for dancing! hahaz i keep dancing with full energy and i sweat so much that my whole shirt is full of sweat at the end of the day. :P After all that workout... i think i'll have good night of sleep. (:

I PROMISE THAT THIS WILL BE THAT LAST POST WITH NO PICTURES!!!! I'LL ADD PICTURES IN EVERY POST FROM NEXT POST ONWARDS!!! xD

"Be like that" - 3 Doors down

He spends his nights in California
Watching the stars on the big screen.
Then he lies awake and wonders Why can't that be me?
Cause in his life he's filled with all these good intentions.
He's left a lot of things he'd rather not mention right now.
But just before he says goodnight, He looks up with a little smile at me and he says

If I could be like that I'd give anything
Just to live one day In those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

Now and dreams we run.

She spends her days up in the north park,
watching the people as they pass.
And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream, is that too much to ask?
With a safe home, and a warm bed, on a quiet little street.
All she wants is just that something to hold onto, that's all she needs.

Yeah! If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

I'm falling into this, in dreams we run away.

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

Falling in.
I feel I am falling in to this again

2009-02-27T09:14:00.001-08:00

Hi guys! :D

Life's a bit boring lately... school, work, school again...work again... dammit its becoming like secondary school all over again!

But i still have my dear dance mates to practise with. (:

GO SUBCREW! xD

Vetting is on saturday! and its dance dance dance all that way! hahaz... my muscles are slack after all that moving about. :P

just got a e-mail from HQ about the "Malaysian Red Crescent Asia Pacific Volunteer & Youth camp" sadded la! cannot go!!! Why aren't i in Poly then i can go????? So much fun stuff i'm missing at HQ! I've never gone on a overseas trip sub-sponsored by any society or corporation whatsoever! darn it... such a golden opportunity to serve red cross gone le... :(

Haiz... i think i'm getting too involved in Red Cross. My parents have been blasting me lately for going out for red cross stuff and coming home late. xD

Well i'm thinking of abstaining from Red Cross in April and study for my lecture tests. I'm having a Economics lecture test next thursday! :O I'm quite bad at managing time you see... Only if i have more time to do stuff i want then i can get things done... like if i was in Poly then that would come true.

hmm... i'm lagging behind in work. i seem to leave work for night... that's why either i am not able to finish my work or doze off in class or even both! :P

I think i somehow need some concrete motivation to push me to work. I feel like i'm doing everything in sub-standard form... i can feel it....but i'm your average slacker! i need passion to make me do everything to the best of my ability!

and i can blah blah blah and rant rant rant about school...

aiya... i think the only thing keeping me going is Red Cross. I LOVE RED CROSS!!! RED CROSS ROCKS!!! Seriously... Red cross will most probably be my biggest lifelong attachment.

hahaz i sound like a kid.... but maybe inside i'm just a kid. :)

"I'm just a kid" - Simple Plan

I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call

I think i got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid,
I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

Tonight...And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

What the fuck is wrong with me?
Don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
And every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid (x5)

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight
I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
Cause I'm just a kid tonight

2009-02-24T23:39:00.000-08:00

Hi guys.

Its wednesday and my days at SRJC is really starting to add wieghts on me. Lately i've been caught dozing off in class... dammit... I'm still in the 'O' level mood i guess, still waiting until evening to start studying and all that.

And because of that i'm going to sleep at around 12 midnight each time! I have to start working once i step home and shower and all the other whatnots.

Well guess you all won't be able to see much updates from here on cos either i'll be busy studying or just because i have not much privilege of going online anymore.

haiz... how can an N(A) student like me cope with this shit?! i can't believe i'm in JC to study for an 'A' level cert which only does nothing else but get me an admission to study again!!

that's life i guess...

Well on the more personal side, things are going well. My social life has widened alot since VIP and SR.

like i said in my earlier posts, i need to learn to let go. Holding on to something which cannot be attained will only bring suffering. Be happy with what you have now, let go of things you lost, rejoice with what you gain.

In the end, life is all about yourself. Not about what you have.

i'm not sure if i'm just talking crap or giving random advice... i have nothing to really talk about anyway...

oh yeah, i registered Red Cross as my external CCA. woots!

see you guys! :)

"I think god can explain..." by Splender

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that
I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes

It's alright,
I'm okay
I think God can explain
I believe
I'm the same
I get caried away

It's alright,
I'm okay
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet

The sent of vasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry

It's alright,
I'm okay
I think God can explain
I believe
I'm the same
I get caried away

It's alright,
I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet

I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed

It's alright,
I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get caried away

It's alright,
I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet

I think God can explain
I think God can explain
I think God can explain

2009-02-20T08:12:00.000-08:00

Hi guys...

I'm tired.

Emotionally, physically, psychologically....

And its only the 1st week of school dammit....

I can't believe my brain turned itself on to "delete" mode... now i'm lagging behind in H2 maths because i forgot most of the 'A' maths formulas... I NEED TUITION AGAIN!!! I can't believe how fast JC pace is! in 1 week we are already finishing 2 topics, partial fractions and binomial!

I'm gonna register red cross as an external CCA that's for sure... At this moment i love red cross too much to give up for anything else! (except studies of course... xD) I wanted to go for ODAC (OutDoor Activities Club) but they need people who can swim!!! AND I CAN'T SWIM!! ARGH!!!

I also took an interest in the CCC (Community Chamions Council) but i thought... since RC already has alot of these community stuff where got use joining? Then i thought of the SRJC Student council... was quite interested because they claimed to be the "Elite" of the school... but people told me that if i were to join, i had to REALLY know how to handle my time well. (And i suck at managing time...)

I think i'm going to flunk my first Chem class test!!! now i know how disadvantaged i am for taking the old syllabus subjects..... :( Things like "Avogadro's constant" i oso never learn!! And i only learnt that "s.t.p" stands for "standard temperature and pressure" and that at "s.t.p" that 1 mole = 22.4dm cube!!

And OMG!!!! I thought i was better at physics!!! Now i understand no shit about it!! only some idea here and there... why can't 'A' level be like 2 and 1/2 years or something???

I only have one phrase to describe my JC life from now on: JC is hell......

Well i gotta go 1st... i'll update soon.
Take care my dear readers. (:

2009-02-19T01:58:00.000-08:00

"Save me" - Remy Zero

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside

When they pull you under
And I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pull me under
I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
And all my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

And all my dreams are on the ground

Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me

I've made this whole world shine for
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

2009-02-16T03:34:00.000-08:00

The world will look up and shout "save us!" and i will whisper... "no..."

Tell me why should i live in a world i have no stake in?

I'm gone...

2009-02-15T06:05:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!

Somehow i think i learnt something important in life. When things don't go as smooth as you want them to be, just know that what happens has happened. Learn to let go because when you don't, it'll only bug you more and more as you think about it.

Things happen, so you just gotta learn to accept facts. Stand firm to the things you believe in and deal with the stuff that comes at you when they do. Thinking too much won't solve the problem until it comes to you. In the end, it may not be what you thought it was.

The term i learned is this: Anything is possible

Why? because you just can't assume things. For example, when you call someone and they don't pick up, it may be for a variety of reasons that range from the totally innocent to the worst case scenario. But the best is not to fret and just don't think of why that person is angry at you or won't pick up your calls!

If you believe firmly in what you know is right then it will be your base that will never shaken whatever the situation is because you deem it as what you know that is true.

This is something that i'm still trying to learn and condition myself to. This is especially important to the sensitive and insecure people. Hopefully i'll grow to become more resilient when facing my fears and problems within me and hope this helps others too. (:

2009-02-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

Happy Velentine's day to everyone!!! :D

Well FDC was on the same day as V'day but its alright. (:

Spent most of the day at Farifield Methodist Secondary School standing and babysitting the cadets. For both round A and B, Fadilah was posted to the same class as me so at least i wasn't bored. :P

The plan was quite simple. Just babysit the cadets until it was time, then bring them outof the class and down form the 3rd floor to the Uniform Inspection area, then to the Zone 'X' (which is the holding area before the quadrangle... better known as the basketball court.). Then when their done, i would bring them up to the hall.

Did that about 3 to 4 times for the whole day before it was time for the closing ceremony and time to shift back everything in the whole school!

Back aching, feet aching, dirty uniform.... well can i say it was all worth it? xD

Debrief was ok too. Not much complaints and things we need to improve on. (:

Then it was time for exchanging v'day flowers and gifts and go home! A very fulfilling day for me!

I'm dedicating this song to you. :) I love your gift and hope mine's likeable enough compared to yours. xD I will treasure it always, and may we let this continue forever on. :D

"Never had a dream come true" - S CLub 7

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
and tomorrow can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be

You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye
No no no no

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say (words to say)
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be
A part of me will always be with you

2009-02-12T04:20:00.000-08:00

Hi guys!

Well today was the Grand finale of my SRJC orientation and the last day too. Tomorrow i'm going to officially wearing my SRJC uniform for the 1st time! and tomorrow school will end at 12.30pm for us J1's!!! :D

Today seemed abit routine for me. First up was house time where the different houses (i'm in pegasus house by the way.... ) had some time together to practice cheers and design "cheer combos" for the grand finale. I think in the end it was a total waste of time cos i helped out in teaching everyone the "long kang" cheer but in the end no one even used it.... sian... -_-

Then after House time was lunch. I think i fell in love with another stall!! xD Primary school was the fishball noodle stall! secondary school was the chicken rice stall! Now in JC is the hokkien mee stall!!! The food at SRJC is quite fabulous and worth it when compared to the cost. a plate of hokkien mee costs only $1.50 and i can add more noodles in my plate for free! :D

After lunch was scavenger hunt! Well it wasn't really scavenger hunt... it was like station games but with different activities to do. here's the list...

1. In this station, its like a 3 legged race but your partner is blindfolded and you have to guide him through obstacles. At then end of the obstacles you have to guide your partner in using a plastic spoon to scoop marbles from one pail filled with water in to another pail.

2. Another game that needs people to be blindfolded. 3 people get blindfolded and have to complete 3 individual jigsaw puzzles with the help from the rest of the group. took a long time to finish this one...

3. Next was about getting everyone to pull strings attached to a pen and draw the outline of pictures (namely gary the snail and patrick the starfish from spongebob squarepants... lame...). but the end result for patrick was still kinda cute. xD

4. An envelope with parts of teachers names are all mixed up with their specific titles (e.g HOD/mathematics... etc etc...) and we had to send only one person (me...) to check out the teacher list on the board and get the names of the teachers and their respective titles right.

5. A questionnaire of 9 questions that relate to the school and which the answers can only be acquired by asking around. (who's the 1st principal of SRJC....what's the full name of one of the school security guards... what is the price of a mocha freeze at one of the cafe's.... etc etc)

6. Some kind of obstacle course... 10 different people must climb over a low wall, then 50 pull ups must be attained by another few different people (we can cheat by carrying them up of course... xD ) then 25 inclined pull ups by the rest.

7. A game where people have to be blind folded (again...haiz..) and 2 people must go up to the 2nd floor unblindfolded to direct the rest into forming the words "SR"

8. Some kind of spider web game that everyone must go through without touching the strings and holes can only be used 2 times to get people through. ( hilariously... we had to carry people using some form of human stretcher and transport some guys to the otherside.

Well that's it... but we did some cheers along the way for the game I/Cs for extra points. :P

The grand finale was quite ok. There were performances put up for us and a video of the times we had during orientation. Then the worst part came... THE COLLEGE DANCE!!!

Seriously whoever designed the dance is completely lame. the dance steps are hilarious and the tune for the dance is so yucks la! Then we did the college dance for a few times before the teachers came in to join us. Then the principal thought that we weren're dancing well.... so he made us do the chicken dance!!!!!

Haiz... after the enjoyable chicken dance was the college anthem. Sing it once, sing it proud. And after that was straight dismissal and home sweet home!

Next week i shall start suffering... must get myself into full gear already....haiz...

2009-02-09T04:06:00.000-08:00

Hi guys! :D

I haven't posted in what? 2 days?? xD

But the other day i didn't feel like posting cos i felt that these past couple of days weren't interesting. JC Orientation is slowing down in terms of its excitement. Now it feels like i'm dreading to go orientation..haiz..

i wish classes can start soon...

Well today i shouted my voice hoarse from the cheering, and i wish everyone can be more enthu and shout along too. Orientation is fun when everyone participates! but when everything is half-hearted its not fun anymore!

But it was still fun anyway. Today i changed to my new civics group which will be my permanent class called 1S14. Only 5 girls and 15 guys.... but nevermind! Nelson is also in the same class as me so i'm not alone! :D

Started out station games at school which comprised of the following"

1. Tug-of-war (Newton's 2nd law worked against us today as there was this big guy at the other side which had the advantage of his immense size to own us in both rounds.....)

2. Some game where you compete with another group in plugging a styrofoam box riddled with holes and having your other team mates pour water in the box until it reaches a certain level.

3. Human entanglement

4. another wet game which needed to wrap a "hostage" with newspaper and protect her from getting wet by the opposite team without crossing the other team's border. (here we practice the value selflessness by sacrificing ourselves by getting wet so that our "hostage" doesn't have to.......)

5. Caterpillar (WHOEVER DESIGNED THIS GAME DESERVES TO DIE!!!! All of us had to sit and have the person behind you put their heels on your thighs... then everyone had to move their butts forward together like some caterpillar. my thighs were red from the friction from the other guys shoes rubbing on my thighs!!!! I SWEAR THAT I THOUGHT MY CROTCH WAS ON FIRE!!!!! )

6. Capture the flag

7. some stupid game worthy of the title "the most time-wasting game ever..." We had to use straws and create 2 rows of straws to make a railing for ping pong balls to roll on for a certain distance...... -_-

The whole thing cost me a whole lot of strength and my wits... at the end of the day i almost fell asleep during the debrief cos of being too tired...

Tomorrow is going to be the amazing race outside school!!! i'm going to be exausted tomorrow man....................

i'll update soon.... bye (:

2009-02-05T23:26:00.000-08:00

Hi guys! i found this super cool hip-hop video on youtube! :) enjoy!

2009-02-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

Hi guys!!

Well because of stuff that's been happening for a while, i haven't been able to update on the other aspects of my life. :P Million apologies!!!

Well today i went to SRJC and we had just continuous sample lectures. General Paper lecture was crap la!! They make us do one 400 word argumentative essay in 1 hour! SIAO!!!

Then after GP lecture was the Economics lecture. Had to buy the H2 Economics lecture book yesterday which cost me a lousy $5. At least its a good read though. xD

Then after Economics, i chose to go to the History Lecture... and boy, did i find out that H1 History students have to do four 4-page essays in 3 hours for just the 1st paper only!!! OMG luckily i didn't put H1 history as part of the 1st choice.... xD

The maths lecture was quite a quick one actually. Just a quick lesson on partial fractions (Which i did not learn cos i was taking the old 'O' level A maths syllabus...) . I think H2 maths will be the death of me man... i already had a hard time with 'A' maths. Now i have to contend with two 3-hour A level maths papers??? Haiz.....

Basically that was it...then i went to the gallery to buy my uniform and stuff. My dad says that the colour of the uniform was horrible cos its beige/light pink. Other than that, the polo t-shirt, bermuda's, PE shorts and pants are alright. :) Can't wait to wear them next monday! :D

Well that's it for today... have to report on at 8.30am tomorrow cos the teacher's have morning PT.

i'll update soon! :D

2009-02-04T03:56:00.000-08:00

After all that has happened for the past few days, somehow i don't regret the outcome...

I'm relieved, no, happy to know that we'll still be as close, hopefully maybe closer after this whole emotionally problematic and stressful ordeal. :)

You're right... maybe its just the circumstances that make it impossible to happen, but maybe time will tell. All we need to do is concentrate on studies and keep ourselves in contact with each other. :D

I know its rough there, but i still worry for you as always...

if you're gonna be superwoman, i don't mind being your superman. :)

I dedicate this song to you...

"Superman" - Five for Fighting

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird... I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd... but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed... but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me

Up, up and away... away from me
Well it's all right... you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy... or anything...

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

Inside of me
Inside of me
Yeah, inside of me
Inside of me

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
I'm only a man
Looking for a dream
I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet

And it's not easy...

It's not easy to be me

2009-02-02T22:18:00.000-08:00

"Fly away" - Corrinne May

"When will you be home?" she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead

She's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
Silver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying"We need you. Please come back"

When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

2009-02-02T06:26:00.001-08:00

I need to be alone for a while...

don't ask how or why or when or what

please... thank you

2009-02-02T03:18:00.000-08:00

Hi hi!!!

Today i went to SRJC for my orientation!! yayness~!!! :D

Well i met up with my ex-classmate who's also posted there and walked from kovan MRT to Serangoon JC. Damn lot of people la!!

Again i feel like a new kid in a new environment all over again. Suddenly the feeling of being the most senior above everyone else in secondary school fades off and i feel like some lost kid in some big shopping mall... :P

Well i'm in this group called C6, and the people in it are abit...... diverse....... there's this guy who looks like paul twohill (with the hairstyle) and a guy from st.gabriels sec who knows eugene and Elijah. :D

Actually all i did was go through some talks about the Serangoon Global Classroom Experience where selected students are able to travel to places like shanghai, hong kong, Sydney and Melbourne for educational trips! I'm gonna aim for Sydney or Melbourne for sure!!!

After the hour or so of butt-numbing listening to the talks, we went off to lunch and then back to the hall again for a guided tour around the campus. A bit boring la actually... just brief intro about the facilities.... and i can't believe that the canteen is smaller than my former secondary school canteen la!! about 1/3 smaller!! Well at least there are 2 extra cafes that i can relax at...

Classes at around 20 people per class.... 5 lecture theatres... active and spontaneous teachers... hmm maybe i can live with this. :)

Lets just see for the next few weeks to come if i can tahan JC life anot... :P

Tomorrow start to choose subject combination!!

Here's my most preferred combination:

H2 Mathematics
H2 Physics
H2 Economics
H1 History

ARGH!!! my mum is nagging me already... i'll update soon k? :D

jana~~!!

2009-02-01T05:40:00.000-08:00

I'm dedicating this song to a very loyal friend of mine...

million thanks for everything...

be strong...

its not over yet...

if i could i would cry along with you...

"Walking in the rain" - A1

sitting by the window
Singing songs of love
Wishing you were here
Because the memory's not enough

Wear my mask in silence
Pretending i'm alright
If you could see then you would be
Here standing by my side

It may be hard to believe
But girl you're the only one i need
It may be hard along the way
It's this feeling i get
When blue skies turn to grey

Feels like i'm walking in the rain
I find myself trying to wash away the pain
Cause i need you to give me some shelter
Cause i'm fading away
And baby, i'm walking in the rain

every single hour
Of every single day
I need to cry, my eyes are dry
I've cried my tears away

Can't help but remember
How you made me feel
You dressed my soul and made me whole
You made my life complete

It may be hard to believe
But girl you're the only one i need
It may be hard along the way
It's this feeling i get
When blue skies turn to grey

Feels like i'm walking in the rain
I find myself trying to wash away the pain
Cause i need you to give me some shelter
Cause i'm fading away
And baby, i'm walking in the rain

of all we've said and done
Remains the memories of days
When life was fun
But now when you are gone
I sit alone to watch the
Setting of the sun

Feels like i'm walking in the rain
I find myself trying to wash away the pain
Cause i need you to give me some shelter
Cause i'm fading awayAnd baby, i'm walking in the rain

i said baby, i'm walking in the rain

2009-01-31T19:23:00.000-08:00

I want you to know that its not over yet... please believe in me. i'll keep going until i reach to that special place and even then i won't stop. Even when school opens and we become tied up with other things, i'll do my best... for you...

I won't let go of you...ever...

"One more try" - A1

Could be your eyes,
Could be your smile,
Could be the way you freed my mind
Your precious touch caressed my soul,
You gave me everything I need,
And now I'm lost, Lost forever (Lost forever)

And you said this is going nowhere, girl
And you said I turned my back on,
You said I'm not the only one for you

Please give it one more try for the sake of our love
Let's give it one more chance cause I can't give you up
I can't live one more day without you in my arms
I could never find another like you

Could be the lies,
Could be my pride
Could be the days and nights so wild
Could be the times I wasn't there
And all the nights we didn't share
And now you're lost, Lost forever (Lost forever)

And you said this is going nowhere, girl
And you said I turned my back on
You said I'm not the only one for you

Please give it one more try for the sake of our love
please give it one more chance cause i can't give you up
I can't live one more day without you in my arms
I could never find another like you

I can't sleep,
I can't live without you by my side
So cold,
So lost without you as my guide
You made me realise I'm nothing,
Nothing without you

Please give it one more try for the sake of our love
Let's give it one more chance cause I can't give you up
I can't live one more day without you in my arms
I could never find another like you...

2009-01-31T17:17:00.000-08:00

Hey readers! :D wanted to post last night but i was too tired!!

well now i can post! So yesterday was Evac gold and VIP 10/09 POP!!!yayness~!!!

Woke up at around 5.45am and met up with yuen meng and mei zi at around 6.45am. Then got onto the bus and met up with jamie, calvin, ben and jia yuan on the way. Reached Tampines MRT and rode to Kembangan where we bumped into Khairul and daniela! ooh~

Then met up with jason, eugene and all the rest at the bus stop. The most funny part was watching Elijah walk to meet us in tagboard shirt and shorts!! XD Then he had to immediately take a cab home and change into jeans! :P lucky he lives in paya lebar man.....

Bussed to Campsite where his majesty jie qi was waiting for us at the campsite bus stop! :D guess he didn't want to go in there by himself so he waited for us. :)

walked to campsite and placed our bags into the west room where Ambrose sir gave us a good talk about being a VI (especially the going-back-to-school part...) and also about the way we dress... i shouted:"Ambrose sir! shorts can anot??" then he replied with a big "NO.... who wear shorts one?!?!" and everyone turned to Elijah! HAHA!!!

Then after Ambrose sir's and Jing Ni ma'ams briefing we went downstairs to have a recap lesson on cloth stretchers, then on to shirt stretchers then bandage stretchers! (I swear... i think the bandage stretcher is the most dangerous form of stretcher i've ever seen..... XD)

Well during the lesson we also had Hadi sir explain to us how to open up these newly acquired army stretchers! they're so cool la! they fold into 4 and has straps to strap on the causalty! :D When we tried them out, it was so sturdy and the fabric was tight! you could play drums with those by banging them with your hands!

hahaz alright... then we trained in going under obstacles and over obstacles and over obstacles is scary! especially when you climb over the obstacle itself... :P

Later some of the rest took the "express accred" as they were confident enough to take it earlier (dunno why they call it express...) while the rest of us took the "normal accred" (Sounds like those streams in secondary school... hahaz!)

So we went to practice abit while the rest went to have their accred. After lunch then was our turn for accred...and while we were having accred those "express accred" people went to help out for the POP.

When we finished our accreds we had to run down and join in the rehearsals in mufti attire as we had no time to change yet.

Now here comes the best part... after the rehearsals, we changed into full uniform and got to the form up position. Then we marched out and all that (ok... the marching out and stuff was abit uncoordinated in the end... but what the heck! :D)

i swear that having the officers slotting the ranks into our shoulder straps was the best feeling in my whole life! The parade ended with us marching to form a "VIP" on the parade ground and shouting our VI motto. :)

Now its the thing that everyone's waiting for! pictures!!! :D Here's the pic of chee wei, george and khairul!

And here is our majesty Jie qi! and no he's not giving a speech... he's just giving us some announcements. I love jie qi's hand motions!!! they're so professional and clear cut! XD

After all the photo taking and stuff we went back to the west room to TAKE MORE PICTURES!!! Here is calvin (with the i-will-kill-you look... XD), me and yuen meng!

And here is jamie, ben, chee wei, george, gin yong, me and yuen meng (hidden by my beret.. sorry yuen meng! XP)! Below is celeste trying to get into the picture too... but failed la....hahaz!

Here's also a pic of Yong kuang looking smart!

Well after all those stuff i went to gether with about 30+ of us to eat indian at the nearby indian coffeshop! After eating a hearty mean i went back along with ben, jia yuan and yuen meng.

got back home tired, but satisfied...

Presenting ACO Sim Jia Xian! :D

2009-01-29T17:49:00.000-08:00

Fate has befallen upon me!! I kena posted to Serangoon JC!!!!

haiz... well JC wasn't meant to be my real choice... i wanted to go to poly instead! :(

Well my dad thinks that i have the potential to do well in JC... but i just don't know how fast JC curriculum will be like!

CURSE YOU MOE FOR SCRAPPING THE 3 MONTH JC PROGRAMME!!! AARRGHH!!!!!!!!!!!

dammit dammit dammit dammit! why did i have to put JC on the 1st 5 choices?? if i just taken out serangoon JC from the 5th place i could have been in poly now!!

haiz... well its too late now... all i can do is try to convince my parents that JC is too fast-paced for me then can appeal to poly. :P

I appealed to see if i can get into Tampines JC... so see how it goes then...

Uniforms? school from morning to afternoon? International exam from cambridge?

HAIZ........................................... secondary school all over again........ :'(

2009-01-29T10:31:00.000-08:00

"How 6 songs collide"-Norwegian recycling

Jason Mraz -"i'm yours"
Howie Day - "collide"
Five for fighting - "superman"
Angela simmons - "Always getting over you"
Boyzone - "All that i need"
3 Doors down - "Here without you"

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
And now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't he-si-tate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you(Yeah)

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love

Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
I luv peaceful melodies
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme (I'm sure)
(No need to) Out of the doubt that fills my mind (com-pli-cate, our time is short)
I somehow find, (This is our fate) you and I (I'm yours) collide

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be-e me

Was I not enough stimulation
Hit by a brick the other day
Just when I thought that I'm okay

You didn't like my conversation
I can't come up with something new
It doesn't really matter what I do

So here's my observation
You could never see it through my eyes
And I'm too tired to try

I was lost and alone
Trying to grow
Making my way down that long winding road

Had no reason no rhyme
Like a song out of time
And there you were standing in front of my eyes

How could I be such a fool
To let go of love and break all of the rules

Girl when you walked out that door
Left a hole in my heart
And now I know for sure

I’m here without you baby
but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I’m here without you baby
but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight (I'm yours)

So don't lie and say your over me
Don't mean nothingI'm always getting over you

I was lost and alone
but you’re still on my lonely mind
It cannot wait, I'm yours
I can't stand to fly
I finally find you and I collide

I'm just out to find
You finally find you and I collide

You finally find you and I collide

2009-01-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

Friday is judgement day...

hopefully i can get to the place that i want...

don't feel like blogging today but just had the urge to just write at least a few sentences...

This coming saturday is POP for batch VIP 10/09! WOOTS~~~!!!

i'm gonna snap lotsa lotsa pics! :D

but saturday will also be a test for me... whether i can get through this is not up to me anymore... its up to the other party.

i will have to say my piece... and will have to wait for the inevitable... either i will be drowned in overflowing joy... or i shall be whisked away by the winds of life... either way, i may not be the same person anymore...

The odds are stacked against me... my only hope is hope itself.

The only thing that i can say here is: Thank you, so so very much...

2009-01-27T03:01:00.000-08:00

Hi guys! (:

I just want to post this thing that i found on some magazine before valentine's day!

For those who have not found a steady maybe you can try this out. :P

This experiment was conducted by a professor and in the end, 2 of his experimental subjects got married! XD

Here it goes...

1. Find someone ( anyone! :D )

2. Talk about the intimate details of your life for about half an hour!

3. Then stare deeply into each others eyes for 4 minutes without talking! :P

And see if you can make the other person or both of you fall in love with each other! xD

Hahaz i'm not sure if this works but its worth a shot i guess! :D

2009-01-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

After looking at the vague hints and clues.... i came to a conclusion:

maybe i'm fading into the background....

still visible but slowly becoming invisible....

my life repeats itself...

2009-01-25T06:05:00.000-08:00

Hi readers!

My posts are gettinng a bit bland...i know... for now i doon't have any pics to show but i promise i'll get those pics up!

Solar eclipse is tomorrow from 4.30pm to7pm!!! i read that in the malaysian newspaper... not sure whether its accurate but i wanna see!!! it'll be the first time in my life that i see the solar eclipse right before my eyes! :D

well other than that... i'll be going on a one-day-trip to malacca tomorrow and back to JB... then i dunno what i'm gonna do until tuesday.

Seems boring... yet peaceful here at my house in JB. i really miss the times when VIP 10/09 was together doing stuff like the retreat or OAITP. When i see everyone doing stuff together and enjoying themselves...i find some kind of peace welling up inside me. Like when everyone has something in common to find joy in... and when everyone smiles while working towards some common goal whatsoever... it creates something that i cannot describe.... something that i would hate to see destroyed by individual conflicts, power games and the like...

dammit.... my little sis wants to hog the damn mini-laptop... i'll update again tomorrow... see you!

2009-01-24T09:19:00.000-08:00

Hi guys!

i'm in JB now and things are getting slower here at the house. Suddenly all my rantings about not wanting to go to JB because there's nothing to do... i take it all back. My pleasure that i experience now is actually about doing little or nothing at all.

Walking, gardening and watching the stars (my favourite past time!) seem to be pleasurable. I finally realise that being in a fast paced environment like Singapore really stresses you up. Sometimes we'll need to just get away from these stresses of the concrete jungle and take a look at the greener grass on the other side.

I wish you guys were here to enjoy this peace and relaxation with me here. It really relaxes and opens up your mind to think better.

nowadays... random thoughts stray into my mind... things that may not seem troublesome at first... i wonder if even the minor things hold sway to alot of major things in my life. Sometimes i feel bewildered or lost, confused or even restless at these things.

i cannot say what are they... for some of these thoughts i have already figured what they are... i only need to do more thinking on how to solve these problems.

i cannot talk much longer anymore.... its late... i'll update soon...

2009-01-22T08:06:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! this is my 2nd post about an hour after my last one... :P had to wait for my parents to go to sleep before i could start blogging again. XD So anyway... I PASSED MY STANDARD FIRST AID!! WOOOOOOTTSSS~!!! So above is my slip of recognitions that i passed! now i just have to wait to get my cert! :P Fortunately i passed the CPR phase at the 3rd and last try! heng sia...

I got my VI uniform!! Its so cool~ After washing it abit and putting on the brass buttons its now looks like this... TADAA!!!

So its not complete yet... the missing items like the name tag, beret and MOST IMPORTANTLY THE RANK are required to complete it. :D *i'm not trying to say that i become a VI for the rank or uniform :P*

Another significant "upgrade" is the cap badge! instead of the insignificant little circle during our cadet days, it now a bigger cap badge with midieval shield and all! so it looks like this! TADAA!!!

I can't wait for the Gold Accred and the Official VIP 10/09 Passing Out Ceremony!!! Things are going to be great! XD

2009-01-22T04:25:00.000-08:00

Hey readers!!!! I'm back to my usual self now!! XD A million apologies for being so dull and emo for the past few posts... sorry sorry sorry!!!

Guess i owe you all a real update on what's going on... it may be abit too late but i'll just tell you all anyway :)

First up: 10/09 batch outing to Sentosa!!!

*the last few pics are quite big so you readers have to scroll sideways*

The outing was real fun! Thanks to Jefferey for making up most of the games since no one brought balls to play with... HAHAZ!!! that sounds so wrong!!!! Well anyway, all of us met at harbourfront MRT station at around 10am and since some of us didn't eat breakfast, we decided to go to the Vivo Kipotiam to eat breakfast! Here's a pic of everyone at the table! *Eugene, Jefferey, Khairul and I cannot be seen cos they're behind my camera.... XD*

After eating breakfast we then went to Giant to get some drinks and snacks before eading off to the 3rd level to take the tram to Sentosa (: Alighted at Beack station and walked to Palawan beach where Eugene and others would occasionaly do the "Barbarella" thingy... XD

We reached a small hut and settled down! Here's a pic of everyone gathering at the beach with Jie qi in orange... hmm wonder what he's doing... :P and why is everyone looking up??? oh yeah.. there's a coconut tree at the area... Beware of falling coconuts!!! XD

Ooohh! now we know what Jie Qi is doing... he's playing with sand!!! XD I can't help it but laugh as i saw the similarity between Jie Qi and Qi Jun sir cos Qi jun sir did the same thing during the ULP 2006 outing to sentosa!!! HAHAZ! XD

*snickers* :P so anyways... some one found this stick from the nearby coconut tree and Elijah suddenly stuck it into the ground and put sand around it to make it look like a grave! He then bowed down to it and faked himself crying:" Xiao qiang! Xiao Qiang! Ni Si de hen can ah! XIAO QIANG!!!" That was so Freaking Hilarious!!!

Unwittingly of Elijah though... he didn't notice Khairul pouring sand down his pants and pockets while he was doing his "xiao qiang" stint!!!

Hahaz... So later we started on our sand playing phase!!! Yong kuang busily covered Jia rui's feet with sand *while he gave me that emo look... XD * while Eugene, Jefferey and George covered Si ling's legs! :)

Well we eventually got bored and sat down in a circle to play Jefferey's games. :) Using a pack of cards, each one of us will get a card and the on who gets the king will be able to get 2 people to do dares. Unfortunately for me... i kena a few times, and 2 of those times i had to kiss jia ming's foot and Jie Qi's hand!!! *YUCK!!!!*

For awhile we played that game until we got sick of it, then strolled to the nearby koufu to eat lunch! :) Here's a pic of jefferey and Khairul! And here also is a pic of Daniela enjoying the nice sea splashing at her feet! :D

Darn!!! i forgot to take photos of us eating lunch at koufu! but nevermind. :) it was a great lunch anyway. *not to mention food prices that are high enough to burn holes in your pockets... :P*

So after eating we walked to the island over the bridge to play MORE games by Jefferey! *He's a great game I/C!* We played the "muderer" game and all that for about 5 rounds before Jie qi had to go off to church. Here's a pic of us before he left!

Then after he left we played for another few more rounds before slacking for awhile. before we left we climbed up the nearby sculpture and got a tourist to help us take a photo!

Well all in all the outing was great! :) Although only 15 people came it was still a blast. just wished that the rest of VIP1009 and the trainers were also there to add to the fun. I'll do my next post very soon and i should post it by tmr early evening! I promise! :)

2009-01-20T08:43:00.001-08:00

Hey guys... saw this interesting thingy on Jason's blog. So i decided to try this out... and i have to say that the results are quite surprising... it really is an eye-opener for me... now maybe i now know a little more about myself and how to handle my problems...

I strongly encourage others to take this test too... maybe it'll help you guys understand more about yourself?

A million thanks to Jason (:

*you can't click on it cos there's some problem with it on my blog... go to jason's blog and try it out*

2009-01-19T08:53:00.000-08:00

Not many people see my blog... so i guess this post won't make much of an impact. Unless i had something to keep track of who visits my blog i guess i'll just stick to the fact that not many people are going to see my blog anymore...

I'm beginning to wonder whether i was being rash... my friend was right... i'm fickle in almost nothing except them...

A question for every guy who reads this: Have you ever felt some kind of feeling but mistook it as something else? And only after much later when you see the big picture then you begin to think that what you feel may not be what it is?

That's what i'm feeling right now... and i feel stupid and dumb... how can i not have seen the potential obstacles and dangers?? Should i give up this endeavor like how it has been for the past 4-6 years of my life???

back to square 1... back to the state in was in from the start of VIP... and after all the turns and tribulations it has come to this... its like climbing a steep hill at full speed and falling down off the otherside at full speed again...

i don't know what's gonna happen as time passes by... i'm feeling that this may get worse... its gonna happen again... and i'll be so lonely...

these continuous emo posts by me... people will read this and get sick with me and my 'emo'ness... maybe i won't post anymore.... until this is sorted out... whether it'll take a long time or short... i don't know...

hope i make it through this...

2009-01-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

Dear readers

please forgive me for my previous post (to those that saw it). i've been going through some rough times lately... i know i've got to stop my negativity... sorry jason ):

i'll do my best to stay away from negative feelings... this tide wave of anger, hate and suffering should recede eventually. i've learnt my lesson...

i'll become a better person after this...

i don't care...

i'll help whoever needs me...

i'll be anything you all want me to be...

2009-01-14T22:50:00.000-08:00

Hey people! (:

firstly i wanna apologise for getting all negative in my last post... :P
I will try to be more positive alright? XD

Anyways... down to business... i submitted my JAE application form so now i shall list down my choices! :D

1. Anderson JC
2. St. Andrews JC
3. Nan Yang JC
4. Tampines JC
5. Serangoon JC
6. Aviation management and services (TP)
7. Aerospace Systems and management (NYP)
8. Aeronautical and aerospace technology (NYP)
9. Aerospace engineering (TP)
10. Aeronautical engineering (SP)
11.Aerospace electronics (NP)
12. Civil Aviation (RP)

hahaz you might have noticed that i'm actually very interested in Aviation stuff. i plan to go to Australia and study at the University or New South Wales for a Degree in Aviation (operations management) :P

haiz... well hope i can get into Nanyang JC at least! although i would love the relaxed style of learning in poly XD. Uniforms... class politics... PE and morning assembly?? darn this sounds like secondary school all over again. The only difference is that at the end you'll be taking A levels instead.

well... guess life's like that. see how it goes. (:

2009-01-13T07:29:00.001-08:00

This post is just a minute one about my emotions, thinking and feelings right now.

Somehow i just feel like having a mix of emotions... but its slanted to more of the negative side. I can't decipher my mind... i can't seem to properly manage myself. I don't understand and i have no idea what to think.

Everything is muddled up... like people walking around aimlessly in a small room and not knowing where they are going to or why they are even walking around. its lke i don't feel any emotion... pointless to sad or happy whatsoever...

trying to relax my mind...

2009-01-12T01:14:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps! Now the above picture is obviously my 'O' Level results!!!! WOOOOTS!!!!

So after calculation it adds up to this...

Junior College

L1R5: 15 points - 2 CCA points = 13points

Polytechnic

L1R4: 9 points

I plan to go to JC and into the science stream.... so i looked at the list and picked out the JCs that i am immediately go to:

Tampines JC (13 points) *well.... this will be my best bet*

Jurong JC (13 points) *jurong??? the other end of singapore la....*

Pioneer JC (16 points) *Choa Chu Kang??!?! friggin far!!!*

Serangoon JC (18 points) *its near...around kovan there... but looking at the aggregate...haiz..*

Innova JC (20 points) *woodlands?!?!? damn far la...*

Yishun JC (20 points) * yishun?!?!?! too far also....*

well... looks like Tampines JC and Jurong JC are my best bets. I also listed out JCs that i have a CHANCE to go to. And they are:

Nanyang JC (10 points) *its near and also quite good in terms of "value-added"ness*

Meridian JC (10 points) *Quite attractive... not sure if i can get in outright, maybe conditionally?*

Catholic JC (10 points) *The least chance to go in. 1) i'm a buddhist 2) its only gives bonus points to affiliated CHRISTIAN schools. haiz...... so much for multi-religionism in Singapore* {again...no offence to christians out there}

Hmm..... so right now i'm being given 12 choices for my JC/Poly courses and i only have until 16 Jan 4pm to send this thing in. I NEED HELP!!!

I would like to extend this request to everyone who reads this to give me advice on what to do with my education by tagging on my tagboard. Any advice is much appreciated! :D

Congrats to those who did well! For those who did not do up to your expectations... well just don't get too depressed about it alright? you've done the best you can. :) So life goes on and we will all meet again! FOR THE WIN!!!

2009-01-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

Hi peeps! XD sorry i haven't been bloggin for the past 2 days because i've been in Johor Bahru for the weekend! Well too bad i missed the flag day... but my dad wanted me to paint the house i have in JB for him for the coming chinese new year. (My grandma is coming to visit!!!!!)

So i left my S'pore house in the evening and went through the causeway and blah blah blah until i reached the JB house there. For those who went to JB before my house in M'sia is near the Jaya Jusco there :P its a semi-detached house with 2 floors and a garden.

To be frank, i don't really like coming to the JB house because i'd rather stay in Sunny S'pore! but..... haiz....for the sake of family i'll just go to paint the house and relieve my dad of his suffering... i have to be a filial child form time to time right? XD Anyway, here's a pic of my dad (below)... for those in Singapore Chinese Girls School you should have heard of seen him before! :D

And this pic here is my dear mother! Always trying to be a good housewife and mother to me. (: sometimes my dad says she's my insurance policy against him! XD

So these few pics are my house living room (with one my cute little twin sisters sleeping on the couch! XD) , kitchen (messy!) and living room show cupboard! (full of my dad's encyclopedia's and super-thick biology books!) :P

Here is one example of a super-thick biology book and the cover page reads...

Hahaz! sometimes we ask that question to ourselves right? XD

well... if i have to answer that question... then life is just....err....umm.... *scratches head*

ah yes.... life is suffering! XD hahaz i learnt that in my buddhist teachings. that's why we must always do good stuff and look on the bright side of life to make life less suffering!

Well...ok lets continue... i then watched TV until like.... around 3 am? XD then i went to sleep... *snores*

Woke up the next morning and my dad got me to start painting! hahaz... i did alot of painting until my hands were full of spots!!! AHH!!! chicken pox!!! hahaz ok i'm being super lame here... :P

Well with just rollers supplied to me by my dad... i should have seen it coming right? :P But it was still fun! (except for my dad, who keeps ranting at me for being slow... haiz... )

I found out that my mum actually signed up as a member of the Tawau yacht club. (Tawau is a place in Sabah... its where m paternal grandmother lives!) Here's a pic of my mum's yacht propeler that she ordered! XD

Later that night my dad got me to watch "Ip man" the movie with him and DAMN WAS THAT MOVIE GOOD! The best Kung Fu movie i have ever seen in my life! hahaz.... i feel like taking up wing chun now...HAHA! XD

The next day i had lunch (yes i slept until very late.... :P) of some green stuff, pickled cucumbers and sambal prawns! yum yum! :) And together with that is good ol' authentic root beer in a glass bottle! After that was more painting and painting until night.. a good hot shower and a drive back home to sunny s'pore!

So here i am writing this post! And before i end off tonight i wanna WISH EVERYONE GOOD LUCK ON THE 'O' LEVEL RESULTS TOMORROW! :D WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS WITH FLYING COLOURS! WOOOOOTTTSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!

well its kind of late... this post started on 12.09 am, 9 january, friday.

well what happened lately was that i went to East Coast Park with Elijah and Siok Hui to rollerblade. At the end of the day, i only have one thing to say.........

if you are rollerblading for the first time, ROLLERBLADING IS HELL!!!!!

yup... it was hell. and i'm not sure if i want to try it ever again! XD but thanks to both Elijah and Siok hui, i have a basic idea of how to rollerblade. :)

After all that ruckus we went to the arcade to play and the arcade there was somewhat deserted...(except for a few people + the staff) and we just started out with a few games such as time crisis 3 and stuff like that. Then after that we just went home. Siok hui had her dad fetch her home while I and Elijah went to eat at the nearby coffeeshop then took the bus home. That's it.

Ok! i know this post is damn short!!!!! but seriously i don't really feel good tonight! i don't know why but i just feel overly guilty, bad and feel like i wanna throw up anytime! Dammit i just feel like things are going abit out of hand and its all my fault! What does it take to make me break down here?!?!?!

Why do i always worry about the little things and always treat stuff that i feel that are precious and fragile by blowing them out of proportion for myself to see?!??! I SERIOUSLY NEED A MIND DEFRAGMENTER (to those compter geeks you should get an idea of what is that...) AND GET EVERYTHING IN MY HEAD INTO ORDER!!! THE CONFUSION IS KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-06T23:06:00.000-08:00

YES! i'm back! and now with another quiz i stole from HADI SIR"S BLOG!!! WAHAHA!!!

ok so here's how it goes...

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. put your player on "shuffle" mode
2.press forward for each question
3.Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING! XD

How do you feel today?
"Broken" by Amy Lee & Seether
Siao eh... that's a damn emo song la. XD but seriously i'm not really broken right now :P

What's your outlook on life?
"Lost" by Michael Buble
Technically... i'm not really lost in life? just that we don't know what's going to happen in the future. The future is uncertain...yup :)

What does your family think of you?
"Ice box" by Omarion
Ok...i'm not a cold person alright!! (why are all the subsequent songs all emo??)

What do your friends think of you?
"You make me wanna" by Blue
Err... ok. I have no idea what it means. I think it means that people do stuff because of me... or vice versa...

Will you get married?
"Breathless" by Shayne Ward
If you listened to that song... it is a definite "yes" XD

Are you good at school?
"No more" by Rob Thomas
Yeah...i'm good at school no more.... i hate school. WAHAHA!!! :P

Will you be successful?
"Numb/Encore" by Jay-Z and Linkin Park
I'll be so numbed by success that i'll want an encore of it? no idea...

What song should they play on your birthday?
"Evergreen" by Westlife
Nice song! Good for relishing the good times! "i'm gonna take this night, and make it evergreen!"

What song should they play at your graduation?
"Remember the name" by Fort Minor
Err... get the teachers to remember our names? huh?! :/

The Soundtrack of your life?
"Won't go home without you" by Maroon 5
I won't enjoy my life until you become mine? XD hahaz! That's something scandalous of me. :P

You and your best friends are?
"I still..." by The Backstreeet Boys
Yeah... i still need my best friends. We all need each other right? :)

Happy times:
"God must have spent a little more time on you" by N*SYNC
A nice quiet song to listen to. (: I'm no Christian (no offence intended) but i guess sometimes some days are made to be happier than others. :D

Sad times:
"Still alive" by Lisa Miskovsky
Even after going through the rough waters of sadness... i'm still alive (:

Everyday:
"Keep holding on" By Avril Lavigne
Yeah...i keep holding on to everyday that passes by.

For tomorrow:
"Breathe easy" by Blue
Maybe i should try relaxing tomorrow? XD

For you:
"Look me in the eyes" by The Jonas Brothers
yup... this song is dedicated to you. :)

What does next year have in store for me?
"Love remains the same" by Gavin Rossdale
Of course it does!!! (duh...) but i bet each and every person has a different view on "love". :P

What do i say when life gets too hard?
"I'm yours" by Jason Mraz
OMG!!!????!?!!!?!

What song will i dance to at my wedding?
"Nothing is impossible" by Westlife
hahaz... of course nothing is impossible! Even i can get married ok!!! XD

What do you want as your career?
"Loneliness knows my name" by Westlife
I had no idea that loneliness knows my name................ and i have no idea of interpreting this...

Your favourite saying?
"Eternity" by Robbie Williams
yup... life can seem for an eternity sometimes... but what the heck! its life!

How will i die?
"The reason" by Hoobastank
GREAT! if you watch the music video for this song it means i'll die getting knocked down by a car!!! LOL.....

What is some good advice for me?
"Why do i love you?" by Westlife
Ok...

How can i make myself happy?
"I'm sorry" by Craig david
WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!?!?!

What song will they play at my funeral?
"Drowning" By The Backstreet Boys
What? they're gonna drown my ashes in the sea now?

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
"Sticks and stones" by Tres
That's an emo song... seriously i don't think i'm emo now... ok now abit emo only la.

What do i think my current theme song is?
"Don't wanna try" by Frankie J
Ok... another emo song. aiya just take that i'm emo now ok? XD

Pass this quiz to 10 people!
Jeslynn!
Daniela!
Jia Ming!
Eugene!
Ben!
Yu Ping!
Gin Yong!
Jia Wen!
Siok Hui!
Jamie!

hahaz that was fun :P

2009-01-05T20:28:00.001-08:00

Hey people! I'm going to update my quiz abit and get more people to do this questionairre. so here i go!

1. My friends: Everyone and anyone! XD

2. I'm listening to: Superstar by Lupe Fiasco

3. Maybe i should learn: and understand more about myself

4. I love: Everyone and my special people/person(s) :P

5. My Plan: JC! then ARMY! then AUSTRALIA!

6. I don't understand: why i can't understand more about myself...

7. I lost: My kiddyness!!!

8. People say: "noise discipline!" cos they think its funny whenever i say it... O_o

9. I'm missing: You... yes you!

10. Love means: Enjoying each other's presence without having to say a word to express it. :)

11. Somewhere... i'll be lying on my back watching the stars

12. I'm always searching for: my special someone... :)

13. Forever seems: like it'll stop anytime

14. I do not want to lose: everyone.. :(

15. My mobile phone: Samsung Omnia... i think...

16. When i wake up in the morning: i start thinking about my special person :D

17. I get annoyed when: Friends don't behave like friends to each other...

18. Parties are: The best places to get high without having to drink liquor! XD

19. Today I: am going to work at Orchard road Toys'r'us as a stocktaker from 8.30pm to 5.30am the next day.

20. Tmr i will be: sleeping most of the day away...

21. I really want: you

22. I miss: being with all my fellow VI's!!!

23. What is your phone brand?: Samsung

24.what is the last 3 digits of your number?: 507

25. What does the second message in your inbox say?: not sure if i should say it here... XD

26. Who was the last person you rang?: olive... my classmate

27. Who was your last missed call from? Olive... again :P

28. What does the oldest message in your inbox say? "Morning mr Sim haha! :D have a fun day ahead!" i won't tell you who is it from... XD

29.Who comes after J?: you know what? i have no idea what are you asking me...

30. Go to your sent messages, see what the 10th message say: "yup ok i'm waiting :)" to jeslynn

31. Who is your network provider?- M1

32. How many messages are there in your inbox? 39

33. Who do you have on speed dial 3?- speed dial number unassigned.

34. If you're using prepaid card, how much credits do they have?: i'm using a line.

35. Who is the first person who comes after C?- no idea... :)

36. What do you have as your main ringtone?: In a circle (its a ringtone that comes with the phone... )

37. Pass this quiz to 10 ppl!

Ambrose sir!
Stephen!
Qi Wen!
Sarah Tan!
Geraldine!
err... can't think of any more :P

2009-01-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

HEY READERS!!!! I AM SO HAPPY THAT I JUST HAVE TO WRITE THIS POST IN BLOCK FORM!!!

I AM NOT GOING TO ARMY THEN AUSTRALIA ALREADY!!!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA STAY IN SUNNY SINGAPORE AND STUDY MY POST-SECONDARY EDUCATION JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOTTTSSS!!!!

ok i know i'm being over reactive over some news like this... but this is very significant to me because of a few things:

1. I don't ever want to leave sunny singapore and all my much-loved friends here.

2. I can now have more time to pursue my new year's resolutions (:

3. My dad does not have to worry about me being blown up by a grenade when i'm in the army... WAHAHA!!!!

4. I now can spend more time with my family and my special people/person(s) XD

5. I now have to wear crappy uniforms for another 2 years of my life..... hooray? :P

6. Last but not least, stay here and enjoy the rest of my time with everything and everyone i love on this small red dot called Singapore. (:

2009-01-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! i just saw this video on youtube. This show is "Whose line is it anyway" and it shows santa holding a press conference with 3 reporters asking him questions. ENJOY! :D

2009-01-03T02:58:00.000-08:00

Unmistakable - Backstreet boys

Anytime, anywhere, any place

You could be anyone today

Maybe I'll recognize you on a crowded street

Maybe you'll take me by surprise

Will you be the one I had in mind?

(Chorus)

There'll come a day

When you'll walk out of my dreams

Face to face

Like I'm imagining

Baby how can I be sure

That you're the one I'm waiting for

Will you be Unmistakable?

People say watch your life through a glass

Desperately waiting on a chance

I know you're out there

Holding on

Holding out for me

Are we gonna know the time is right

What if you're here and I'm just blind

(Chorus)

There'll come a day

When you'll walk out of my dreams

Face to face

Like I'm imagining

Baby how can I be sure

That you're the one I'm waiting for

Will you be Unmistakable?

How can I know a song I never heard

How will I know your voice when you haven't said a word

How do I know how this will end

Before we began (before we began)

(Chorus)

There'll come a day

When you'll walk out of my dreams

Face to face

Like I'm imagining

Baby how can I be sure

That you're the one I'm waiting for

Will you be Unmistakable?

2009-01-02T05:58:00.000-08:00

THE WAY THINGS ARE...

Well, my dear readers... guess this is the end of my life as a secondary school student. I'm transferring the data of my life into being a full fledged adult. I'll be working full-time, will be going to serve the nation for 2 years and will be flying off to the Australian outback for around 4 years before coming back to sunny singapore to start my life again!

Like what Jia Ming said on his blog:"If I could have this much fun during a holiday everytime I complete my Os, hell, I dont mind doing the good ol' Cambridge 2 more times."

This period of time is going to be bittersweet for me... I have made many new and closely bonded friends, fulfilled my dream of becoming a full-fledged VI and had fun in the process. But i'll leave them all behind when the 2 years of army is over, and i shall never know if, by the time i come back, will i be able to mix back into the batch i've been with for such a short time and had such indescribable esprit de corps with...

This post is exclusively for everyone and i want to thank each and everyone of you for making my life as joyful as it is. I've had so much fun and i cannot imagine how dull

would my life had been if not for you guys.

A MILLION THANKS TO EVERYONE AND THOU SHALL NOT ANYONE OF US PART!

2008-12-31T22:23:00.000-08:00

GLUE OF TIME...

Hey people... this is going to be my first emo post of the year.

Well... some stuff have been bugging me since the end of the VI countdown party. And i'm not sure if history is going to repeat itself for me.

Therefore... this message is for you:

If you have seen it, please don't tell her. If you already did, then i'll just have to sit and wait... see what happens. Please don't take it the wrong or extreme way... its just that i've been feeling this way for some time and i just want to take the slow approach.

i want to build it to where we can be comfortable with each other. I don't want to be alone again... It happened to me before.. and my heart and soul will break in no time if it happens again.

Hopefully you did not see it and shall have no idea what i'm writing here. But i'm writing this just in case it turns out to be the worse for me... If i become alone again i shall know why... and i shall never be the same again...

I've mended my heart with the glue of time for many occasions... and if that glue of time shall fail this time round, i don't know what will become of me... and i shall need to see the stars and ask them for guidance...

Thank you if you did not tell her, and also if you don't know what i'm saying. If you already told her, then its expected... i do not blame you... and never will i do that. It is not my intent to make enemies... that's why "Hate" or words linking to it is never in my dictionary.

Hope... is my only hope now...

2008-12-31T10:10:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!!! IT IS YEAR 2009 PEOPLE!!! WOOOOOTS!!!!!! and to start off my 1st post of the year i shall give you my list of resolutions!

And my new year resolutions are:

1) Run at least once a week or once every 2 weeks to buff myself up for national service!

2) Get a job to work in since i won't be schooling until June when i'll be enlisted!

3) Dedicate myself to Red Cross as much as i can cos' I LOVE RED CROSS TOO MUCH!

4) If i'm lucky enough... maybe i can add a special someone into my life (:

5) Work out to get proper muscles in my arms and torso! I can't do much push-ups for nuts!

And i am going to work on these main 5 resolutions! but people don't usually follow them right? heheh... XD Now we get on to the main event that happened a few hours ago!

I met jia ming and Jane at Dhoby Ghaut station, then bumped into eugene on the way! We then followed eugene to meet up with the Charlie girls!

Apparently according to him, Eugene is the neutral party of charlie and he keeps getting picked on by the girls. Well Eugene, just remember my advice to you: Don't worry about what people say about you! In the end, what they say is not true right? (:

Well...after we met them, i and jia ming ate Long John Silver's then went over to macs with Jane and Eugene. Later we met up with the trainers Ambrose sir, Gui Zhong sir and Bertha Ma'am, then met up with JianFu sir and the rest of the trainers.

We then just kept walking to the park opposite plaza sing and stopped there for awhile. While waiting i helped the girls take a photo of them... (:

So... after the trainer's discussion, we moved on to the SMU building where i had to contact Gin Yong and Sarah about our whereabouts... and here we are... still walking. XD

So as you can see, we were quite scattered and it was abit not very well planned out. BUT... it was still a very nice experience! And here's a shot of (from left to right) Jia Rui, Elijah and Eugene!

While we were waiting for the countdown, we played games with the trainers! and boy... did i have a tough time figuring out the twist to to the games! the "around the world in eighty days" was hilarious! i almost hit myself for being so stupid! hahaz!

Well after playing some games, we had so much fun that we didn;t notice it was almost time to countdown! Then 2009 came and we all just cheered and screamed! Too bad the buildings were blocking the fireworks though... sadded... :P

After all the fun joy and laughter we got together with the trainers to take a VI photo! Subsequesntly i took a few other pictures as well!

And here are 3 more pics! One of them is me (ok...i know i look gay alright?!), Ben and Gin yong! One of Jia Rui and his emo look and the other is ben with his superstar pose! ROCK ON!!

SO HAPPY 2009 TO ALL MY READERS!!! WISHING EVERYONE SAFETY, PEACE AND HAPPINESS!!

2008-12-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i just don't know why i feel things the way i feel.

sometimes i just don't know why i say things that i say.

I feel like a jerk after saying all that. i'm not even sure if i have to apologise... or is it too late? The hints are too big, the time is too short and this feeling is creeping back up on me again...

Why do i have to suffer this way? but isn't life suffering? That's what i was taught as a buddhist... maybe everyone is suffering... Even the happy and the joyful ones...

I don't want to lose the precious and special people in my life... i haven't even begun to start it off in good hands yet! Things fall apart before i even begin to build it. It just doesn't make sense.

Am i fated to be this way? all i want in my life is to be happy...to share that with that special few that i can relate to. My life seems to subtly turn itself upside down like a fisherman's boat dissapearing in the bermuda triangle and reappearing again... only to have the crew vanish forever...

I don't want to be direct and frank in this... it will only make people shy away from me... thinking that a person like me isn't worth being a friend. Then again some people will just get confused and prompt me to tell them why i'm being like this...

Hope? Its what keeps me going... without hope i cannot live... listening to music of hopeful genre instils in me some of it... but how long will just plain listening last? But i'm only human...right? right?!?

My ability is coming back to haunt me: give away hope to others in exchange for their sadness .

Why doesn't everybody understand?! or am i just too plain stupid of a dumbass to expect people to know what i'm going through?!? i guess my impulses just prompt me to make things go faster than they are supposed to... and everytime i do that it turns out to be to my disadvantage...

This wheel of endless anguish and emotional harship...when can i ever get out of it? one wrong step and i'll land myself in boiling water...

I hate myself... myself hates me. Love is beaten by hate... but love just tries to keep going on. hope carries love forward... hate just beats them back... then endless cycle continues

maybe i can get through this... maybe its alright, maybe i'm just thinking too much. maybe all this is just a illusion that i have to break myself... can i? is it even possible? i'll be okay right? please... answer me.....